Summer Must-Haves!

There are just some things a woman needs to survive, let alone enjoy, a summer. I know its technically spring... but its been in the high 80's over here the last few days so I found myself making my summer must-have list. Most of which I do not have own myself, but am pretty sure I need.

A GINORMOUS WATER BOTTLE:

I bought myself this water bottle at the Container Store a year ago and it was a wise investment of $4.99. It has an awesome handle, doesnt leak and if you fill it up- fulfills your entire daily recommended amount of water so you dont have to refill it often! I usually try to drink two full ones of these a day. Water water water!

WATER #2:

Vitamin Water 10 is the best invention ever. Its so delicious, low in calories and high in vitamins. MUST LOVE!

SMALLVILLE:

Because I am newly obsessed and Tom Welling is hot. Sure to keep boredom away and your libido high on those slow muggy days indoors.

SALT WATER SANDALS:
I used to live in these as a kid. I friggin loved them. I havent found a pair for adults ever. I love them so much. Oh the glory days of my youth! :) Flashbacks to '94!!! These will always be a fond summer attachment of mine and I'd give anything to have a pair! Salt Water Sandals totally pwn Gellies.

HOBOBAGS:

You try lugging around a 30+ pound toddler that is tantruming while trying to find your keys and lugging toys and crap back to the car. These are SUPER cute, SUPER functional, and adorably boho-chic. I never want to own another purse after purchasing myself a very ugly one with some sort of native-american poncho-looking fabric. Still. Must-have!

FLOWER HAIR CLIPS:

A signature of mine in high school. Now that my hair is getting long and is blonde again, I went to break them back out. Unfortunately all of the ones I owned were destroyed after being dumped into an old bag of out-dated used and abused make-up and are no longer suitable for wearing. *sigh* But still.... I have to buy more now! They're wonderful and fun and flirty and I love them. Must-have!

BURTS BEES LIP SHIMMER:

Because its the best ever. Does it need any other explanation? Didnt think so.

BERMUDA SHORTS:

Because real women get the chub-rub and just cant be havin' the fabric creepin up where it dont belong.

BBQs:

Because it isnt summer without them. Duh!

KISSES:

They make the world go round and summer isnt summer until you've kissed a cute boy when you shouldnt have! MUST-DO!

nothin much

Cant say that I've been up to much of anything interesting. But I realize its been a few days since I've blogged and the jambalaya I'm cooking for dinner has to simmer for another ten or so minutes so I figured- hey, why not?! 

I am feeling very pleased with life at the moment. I'm trying to avoid stress and declutter my life. Unfortunately I can never escape the grumpies- but I'm doing my best. I cleaned out and reorganized my entire closet- both of them! That is officially 5 garbage bags full of crap I'm purging of myself. 2 from this weekend's raid and 3 from two months ago. It feels nice. But- I've also noticed that I have absolutely ZERO summer clothes and I am sweating and panting like Carnie Wilson at a marathon. Its not good.

I am very much addicted to Smallville. Because A) Tom Welling is my dream man. If I could build my dream male body- Tom Welling would be the result. B) I effing LOVE superheroes. C) I'm finding inspiration for my writing from it. Sounds weird, huh? I am in no way, shape or form ripping anything off of the show... there are just some very beautiful acting moments meshed in with the sitcom-ness of it. From those moments of genius, I have pulled out some elements and have begun to build the basis of really fascinating characters in my own world. It makes me happy. I'm almost done with Season 4 and have Season 5 in my netflix cue!

I had my blood drawn on saturday which sucked and I cried. But for the first time EVER-- the nurse got blood out on the very first stick! I swear I've never been pricked less than five times before they find a suitable vein.

I also went a fun BBQ at Stender's house and I loved it. I felt like we had never missed a day a part, but at the same time were two completely different, more mature individuals than when we first met. It was nice. I'm glad she is back in my life.

As of now- I'm just looking forward to my landmark year of 22. My birthday is nearing!!! Im more excited than I've been for any other birthday. I am going to Red Robin for lunch with friends. Because I am low-class and not fancy and that is what I want. So that is what I shall have!

Thats about it. Miss you guys! Leave me love <3

Home Is Where The Heart BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

So. I know my blogging has been quiet and left much to be desired lately. There has been a reason for that. There has been a lot on my mind and I was asked not to share a big part of it. But... since I was given clearance to talk about it- now I can. And now I have the energy to sit and write a blog about what my heart has been fighting about the last couple of weeks.

I just found out that I am going to be an auntie!!! Brittan and Maria are expecting their first baby! My mommy is gonna be a Nana at 42! That blows my mind. It is the first grandbaby, the first Greatgrandbaby and I think its safe to say- everyone is pretty excited! When Britty called to tell me I jumped up and down and squealed and laughed and was thrilled for about an hour or two. Then my own words kinda fell on me like a ton of bricks...

I had joked to Brittan on the phone "Oh man! I get to be that crazy aunt that comes around and stirs things up on the holidays!" (You know the token one in every family movie?- yeah that one!) I thought it was funny when I said it. But then the meaning behind it caught up with me. I stepped back and looked at the situation at a whole. For the first time I think I really saw just how MONUMENTAL a baby is, how a new life completely COMPLETELY changes the ENTIRE dynamic of a family. And now... of MY family.

My aunt Kim bought me my first "real" bra. I remember it. I was the tomboy that only wore sports bras. We went shopping at Fashion Bug and I saw this bra that had clear straps, was bright purple with this sheen squares on them that made the cups look like big purple disco balls. There was only one left and it was a 34D and I wanted it. I was 13. I told Kimi I had to try it on, I didnt care if I had to stuff it, it had to be mine. I tried it on in the dressing room and at 13- that d-cup was a perfect fit. I was beautiful busting out of it. I told Kimi to come to my dressing room and showed her and she yelled "HOLY SHIT! WHERE'D THOSE THINGS COME FROM?!" Underneath my sports bras- I never new that I had actually grown some boobs! lol :) She paraded me around the Motel that day, showing my cousin & her friends that look "Sissy had grown her boobs!" I was embarrassed and proud at the same time! 

My aunt Jackie would do my hair and gossip with me about boys. For some reason- hairdressers seem to be able to get you to spill your guts about any and everything just by sitting you down in their chairs. My aunt Debi was always so charismatic and pretty and popular and I've always looked up to her.  I've always been able to go to my aunts when I needed some time away from my house, when I needed to spill my guts or needed advice, and they'd lovingly give the advice and help prep me to tell my parents something I was afraid to. They were always... PRESENT.

And therein lies my problem.

I do not EVER EVER EVER want to be that crazy aunt that lives out in New York that is all weird and stuff and comes around on holidays. I want to be that crazy aunt that is all weird and stuff that lives around the corner and is there for sleepovers, shopping trips, soccer games, buys you the most obnoxious toys and makes you keep them at your house, hypes you up on sugar and drops you off on your front porch before mom comes out and whines at me about it, and to help you convince your dad that YES- you should date that cute kid that sits behind you in math.

Brittan changed a lot when he joined the military. He changed a lot when he became a husband. And those are going to be NOTHING compared to the change he is about to make becoming a father. I havent got to see much of him over the last couple of years and it makes me sad that each time I have gotten to see him, he's a new person that he wasn't the last time I saw him. I have to re-learn big parts of him each time I meet him. Do you know how bad that kills me? I know what day and TIME each of my brothers were born. I can tell you pointless facts about each of them. I know them all inside and out. At least... I used to.

I have been so far removed from my family for the last three years. Christian is taller than me now. Jeremiah had really short hair when I visited him one time. The next time he had really long hair. I hate myself for missing so much of THEIR lives.... and now I'm going to be missing one of the most important moments in my family's history? Fuck that. Now I REALLY hate myself.

I cant just pick up and move. Its not that easy. Adam and I have completely melded our lives into one out here in the shithole of the universe and I cant just undo that. I dont want to undo that. But Adam's very promising career is here and only here, for the moment. But before we could even think about moving to Omaha, we'd have to decide where our relationship is going. If we're not going to get married, whats the point in moving and him becoming a true, irreplacable member of my family? 

It's just opened up a pandora's box of clusterfucked emotions for me. GUILT. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of boat loads of guilt. I feel like I have failed my brothers in not being present in their lives. I feel like I fail Adam by feeling guilty about sharing my life with him here removed from my family. Its a really horrible, pain-numbing double edged sword. 

No matter how wackadoodle I am, no matter how much Brittan and I piss each other off- I hope, and dare I say truly believe in my heart that he would want me to be an active member in his children's lives. They say that a man never REALLY knows compassion until he is a father... and I want to be there to see my brother's face when he experiences that for the first time. I cant be. At best- I'll see the baby when he/she is a couple weeks old at Christmas.  After that... not for a few more months. And I'll hate myself and feel guilty for it every second in between. 

I feel stuck. So so so so stuck. Its overwhelming. I dont think my family understands why I feel I have to stay here for a while longer. I dont think Adam understands why I feel like I cant stay here any longer. 

ROCK/*me*/HARDPLACE

it really sucks

This is supposed to be a time of joy. And selfishly... all I can do is think about how I am unwillingly willing to miss out on such a beautiful, joyous time in our lives.

EasteR

Happy Easter everybody!!! Hope yours was filled with fun and laughter and goodies and smiles! Mine was alright. Pretty good. The image uploader on this blogger really sucks, so I have to give you my blog backwards! :)

This evening, my friend Wendy and I ran all around town trying to find something to do. Apparently iHop is the only place on the planet open on Easter. So we sat there and just hung out for a few hours. I thoroughly enjoyed it. We thought we'd take a picture to commemorate our love for French Toast.

me & wendy!

I decided I'd like to look half decent for the holiday. Most ladies get pretty little pastel dresses and cardigans and blahblahblah. But I wanted to feel pretty, not just try to fake it. So... instead I purchased me an "Easter Blouse" since my legs are too disformed and nasty to allow me to look half decent in a dress. This is about as fancy as I get, but I felt very nice in it. And, frankly, my cleavage was phenomenal.

My Easter Blouse!

Adam's mother was very sweet and paid for us to have an Easter brunch (with bottomless champagne & mimosas!) since she couldn't grace us with her presence. She is a holiday junky and goes ALL OUT for every single one of them. Anyway. The place she chose is called Portobello and its in Oakland. It is sooo beautiful. It is very rustic, Italian and the atmosphere was great. It would be perfect for a wedding reception or a small, intimate wedding I think. (I'll have to keep that in mind!) :)  I dont know if it was because the time of our reservation was toward the end or what, but the food was 50/50. It was either really great or really terrible. Their raw bar was AMAZING! Their seafood was sooo delicious. I wanted to grab the entire thing off the bar and just take it to my table. Their cheese selection was great. They had lamb, ham, steak and roast beef that they carved for you and it was juicy and tender and perfect. Their Foccia was the best I have ever EVER tasted. I begged Adam to let me steal some in a napkin and shove it in my purse to have later tonight! LoL. I didnt though :( However- their italian meats were extremely dry. Their desserts were also very stale and lacking in variety. They were also out of fresh fruit. The little that I did get to try was VERY good. Fresh. Not at all mushy or anything. I didnt have any of the pastas, but Adam said they were delicious- and if he says so than they definitely are because he is a very picky italian pasta connoisseur! Other than getting lost on the way there (Adam was driving, obviously) and getting carsick because it causing me to initiate a petty little bicker fest until we were successfully parked and I made myself apologize for his inability to maneuver a parking lot... it was a very wonderful morning :)

Portobello

Hannah Montana and Broken Roads

So, tonight Kendra and I confessed our love for Hannah Montana and decided to go see it together. Yes. On opening day. There were slutty 13 year old girls texting behind Kendra texting and kicking her seat. There were two five year olds fighting and crying and whining behind me. A jaded single father in front of us. And two suburbia couples with their perfect children duking it out because one of the mothers wouldn't put her cell phone away. God I hate New Jersey. But I loved the movie!!! 

Kendra and I before the show!!!

A great thing about the movie was that it had a lot of Tennessee native musicians in it. Including Rascal Flatts jammin with grannies to "Backwards"... but most touchingly, singing at night on a front porch swing with only an acoustic guitar "Bless The Broken Road." I hadn't heard that song in so long. We listened to it on the way home on Kendra's iPod. I'm glad I heard it tonight. For the first time I was really able to appreciate the lyrics. I hope you do to.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home

Into my lover's arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

its been about nine days...(ETA: you either really DO or DO NOT want to read this)

... and I havent gotten a chance to blog! My brother messaged me wondering if I was still alive. Alas. Indeed. I am still well and thriving. Hmmm, maybe not so much the "well" part. But I have all of my parts intact and am still kickin.

A few things on my mind today:

Allison Iraheta is the shit. I love her. Her voice is amazing and I've actually bought most of her songs off of iTunes. Okay. By "most" I mean two. "Alone" and "I Cant Make You Love Me."

I usually blog when Colden is napping and all is still and quiet in the world and I get antsy and its a total mindf**k and since I dont have anyone to dish to other than Sundance (who, sadly, has been acting/feeling very odd lately and it concerns me, and lets face it- Cassidy basically just hates me and tolerates me because I refill his water bowl everyday) and poor Sundance can only take it for so long that I have resorted to blogging. Then I direct the masses - via Big Brother & Satan (aka Facebook & Myspace)- to read said blog. Then no one leaves me comments so I think that no one is reading any of this, THUS..... resulting in really awful, pointless run-on paragraphs of nonsensical ranting (ie, see above). Long story short-- Keith has been working from home for the past week or two and he occupies the office during napping hours. Oh. And every time I type "Keith" I always type "Keither" and have to go back and delete the "er" ... dont ask me why. I have no clue.

In other news. I have been kinda sick the last few days. I used my first "official" sick day on Tuesday. My stomach feels like its on fire one minute, the next it feels like someone is seriously punishing my brain with an incurable headache, then I try to settle them both by munching on solid food, taking aleve, and sipping gatorade. Then my headache settles into a monotonous dull roar that is horrible in a completely different way, the shakies stope, but I can hear my belly sloshing with every move I make and then fear that the burp that is caught in my throat is actually arm wrestling with vomit.... its just very complex.

Which brings me to... Adam and I came to the realization that despite the fact we've been together 2 1/2 years, neither of us have seen the other one vomit. Ever. I mean, he has seen my dry heave like a thousand million times (which everyone knows I do when I get really upset or cry too hard). But thats it. We've never been "flu sick" with each other. Weird. Isn't that something you should really know about someone before you marry them? I mean... when my dad barfs the walls shake. But then some of my brothers are "blubblubblub-speeeeeewwww" and its entirely uneventful.

I think its fascinating. Vomitting styles say a lot about a person. Hmmm. I think Christine and I actually had this conversation before. LoL. OMIGAWD! I think we totally did. I love Christine :) Anyway. Same goes with pooping. They should have one of those myspace quiz things about what your vomitting and/or pooping style say about you.

I'm sorry if you actually read this blog.