just because

Amidst the emotional roller coaster that is trying to organize your life and your future despite everything you DONT know outweighing everything you DO know... I catch a glimmer of the beautiful gem stuck in the mud (translation= my life!). Not that my life is muddy and terrible, I'm quite content, its just very stagnant. And if you know me... you know that I HATE HATE HATE stagnacity. But I need consistency. Ack! I'm such a complicated person!!! Anyway... last night, in a very quite way, my life reminded me why I love it so much. It reminded me that no matter how tired I am, how irritating he gets, or how stagnant it seems- it is worth every second.

Adam and I sat on our sofa last night. I made dinner and we sat in front of the TV eating and watching South Park. It was an episode where Oprah's vagina & butthole call Heraldo Rivera. It took us about two minutes to lose our appetite. But what worse, the only thing on TV was College Basketball and reruns of 24 (ahhhh! the nightmare of it all!!!!). So we turned it off and finished dinner quickly.

"House" doesnt start for another 45 minutes... what're we going to do?! EASY! We play old-school street fighter on the xbox360 until he's beaten me and I'm whining.... that took about 7 to 10 minutes. I had an idea!!! I ran to the bathroom and grabbed the Cosmo I keep on the back of the toilet for poop-reading and grabbed two pens and two pieces of paper. Adam humored me and we did this Cosmo Couple's Quiz. It was funny and I got to steal a good chunk of Adam's manhood by begging him to take it with me and learn all about how big of a pimp he was in the 5th grade. (Cosmo was right, we DID learn something new about each other :) !!!)

I then began to fold laundry. Adam is entirely incapable of doing so ever. He will do eighty thousand loads of clothes and not fold a single item. Then he accidentally mixes up a few dirty clothes with clean clothes and freaks out and washes them all over again because now ALL of the clean ones are "dirty by association." So. To avoid this travesty- I started folding the mounds in the spare bedroom. House came on and it was wonderful. I sat in my Goucho's and old ripped up Pacific University hoodie and NAP slippers. He sat in his basketball shorts, tee, and a micro-suede comforter. During a commercial I put the clothes away and he dished us up a bowl of Frozen yogurt. One scoop of 3 different flavors.

And we ate. Hugh Laurie was insulting people and it was funny.

The evil old hag that calls herself our "Landlady" interrupted to have us sign a lease, check our oil, and yell at us. By "us" I mean Adam. Because I hid in the other room with my bowl of ice cream trying to blend in with the sofa. Adam even brought the papers to me to sign and listened to her bitch at him for ten minutes all on his own without complaining about it to me later.

We then made silly/creepy faces at each other during commercials. It made us laugh really hard for a long time. We snuggled. That is when Adam sweetly said to me, "You know... I hear a song on the radio today and it reminded me of you. Now every time I hear it, I'll think about you!" He had a big smile on his face. I got butterflies. I asked, "Really? What song?" and he said, "Its on Z100. It goes 'I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too'" and I sang "Either way I found out, I'm nothing without you." and he smiled bigger "Yup, that one!" "My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson." He smiled even bigger and kissed me on the forehead.

He has never ever, not even once in our relationship EVER... said a song or something reminded him of me. It was very special.

And I'm gonna say thats basically the best night ever.

week at a glance

It has been a fairly uneventful week for me. I feel like it sped by so quickly! I think its absolutely ridiculous that the older I get the fast time seems to fly. I've gone from thinking in days to weeks, to weeks to months, and now I'm parked in MONTHS to YEARS! Ack!

My camera's memory card is all effed up so I dont have any pictures to post. But I bought a new one this afternoon so hopefully I'll get some good ones this week! Colden and I spent a wonderful morning with Alexis and Sofia this week and it reminds me how much I really miss them. Sofia is now the age that Colden was when I first became his nanny. That blows my mind! Sofia was only a couple weeks old when I met her, and now Colden is almost 3! Next thing I know, my own children will be dating and I'll be all "what the hell?! did that just happen?! no, seriously... wtf?!" 

I'm still struggling with readjusting back into life after spending time with my family. Everything in the world seems significantly less stellar after being near them. It is just a reminder that I live my current daily life much differently than I thought I would and it hurts my heart to have certain aspects not-so-present. But all of the pieces of my puzzle will fall into their proper places in their due time.

Adam and I went to lunch at Red Robin today. BE JEALOUS. It was friggin delicious and you should feel bad that I went and you didnt. Because it was great. My stomach is still bloated like that of a few-days-dead-dog because I jammed packed it full of pure deliciousness. Your welcome for that imagery.

Hopefully I'll have a more intriguing, news-worthy blog in a few days! Right now I have to go verbally tongue lash my better half into downloaded my 360 patch for the old xbox version of The Sims 2 so I can play it. 

:)

daily dose of religion

Today I did something I havent done in a while-- I went to church! I dug my bible out of my nightstand and tagged along with Kendra to a "sub-church" of Jacksonville Chapel called "Emergence." I have, on occasion, googled or browsed through the yellowpages online looking for a laidback, modern, and more liberal church that I might consider poking my head into. Kendra was recommended to this place and told me about it and I decided I'd like to check it out.

It was a very emotional experience for me. I was relieved to find it to be just about everything I was hoping to find in a new home church, but I sat through most of it feeling very vulnerable, exposed and hypocritical. Its been about two years since I've attended a service and going today brought up a lot of things that I thought I had gotten over but obviously havent.

I believe that God cares about how we treat each other and the love we openly give to one another, and about what is true in our hearts. Gay/Straight. Republican/Democrat. Blue Collar/White Collar. Married/Divorced. Whatever. Its inconsequential. Yes, we should all strive to live a life of virtue and a decent moral standing is important- but who are we to define what each other's values should be? A church to me, is a gather of people who share the same purpose- to love one another and to support each other in our journies of becoming better people. It is a place, to me, where you should feel comfortable with opening your wounded heart and where you should feel safe.

However. In my experience I've seen more of the "church" kicking you when you are down and need your brothers/sisters in Christ the most. And boy oh boy does that sting. But Tiffany, you were a missionary for a year and half! BFD. Big fucking deal. In all honesty, being a missionary, looking back on those experiences, has only made me feel more disappointed, embarrassed, and bitter towards organized religion. 

It is a battle for me that I really was not expecting when I went to Emergence today. I loved everything about it. I want to go again. I plan on going again. But I am fearful. And rightfully so. I genuinely miss the pure joy of heart that I had at times when I lived in Mexico, free of many shackles and with an amazing relationship with God. When my parents seperated and we had to move back to the States, I saw the true colors of "christianity" and have been embarrassed to HAVE to label myself a "christian" since. I have taken to saying "I am spiritual, not religious." I miss the fellowship. 

I live in sin. BFD. Everybody does. I live with a man that I'm not married to. I swear. I have premarital sex. I highly HIGHLY doubt that any of that will change soon. And I dont want it to. I love my life and I love my relationship. I am very, very proud to be "liberal." I am a fag-hag and Jesus is OKAY with that. I want to go to church again. I want to have bible study with other young people my age and not have feel like I am putting on a mask because its "church" and there is a strict code of conduct. I didnt feel like I had to put on that mask at Emergence. But I trusted SFC, too. And I am scared of being hurt again.

I find it sad that I am more terrified of opening my heart to a church than I ever have been of trying to make a new friend or take a step in a relationship after being crossed/backstabbed/or stomped on by one.

But I guess part of believing in God is having a blind faith. And I hope, hope, hope that Emergence wont beat me the way I have been beaten before. I think I'm going to choose to have some blind faith with their staff and congregation. I hope to speak with their pastor soon. Maybe join a small group? Check out their website www.emergencenj.org

A jaded MK. LoL. I never would've pegged myself as one. But its pretty undeniable at this point.

Let me know what you think!

cant shake the sleepies

I have been sooo tired this week. I was ready to pass out at 7:30pm last night, but forced myself to stay up until 9pm and I was out the minute my head hit the pillow. Maybe its from emotional exhaustion. The week following a visit with my family is always hard. My mind wanders and fantasizes about life near them. I dont miss living in the same house as all of them- dont get me wrong, I love them but its best for your sanity if you take them in doses ;) Visiting them reminds me how much I miss simple things like family dinner, quick runs to walmart, and being totally sold out to mom and dad by your shit-head brother.

Me & Jeremiah

Me & Corey



Me & Christian

Its been emotionally exhausting for other various reasons. I'm pretty sure that about half the people I care about have verbally bitch slapped me this week. A "friend" of mine even "broke-up" with me, declaring that I party way too much and am ungenuine. Its so ridiculous its laughable. I have stepped foot in a bar ONCE since my 21st birthday and probaby complained most of the time to the chagrin of my fellow "party-goers." And I think I am an extremely genuine person, almost to a fault. I am me 100% of the time and at first glance it may come across abrassive or something... but when you've known me as long as this person has. I dont know. Its just ridiculous. They are significantly older than me but have dragged me back to drama of a high school variety.

But. To count my blessings. It never fails to make me smile, my eyes tear up sometimes, when I put Colden down for a nap and I sing him "You are my sunshine" and I end it with "You'll never know dear, how much I love you- please dont take my Colden away!" and give him a kiss he sings back to me "please dont take my TT away!" If no one else in the world gets me, at least Colden does :) No matter how frustrating a 2 1/2 year old boy can be, that moment every afternoon makes it beyond worth it.

I finished part of the baby blanket I am making for new-baby Tobias! I have completed all of the crocheting and am biding my time now to see if they're going to find out if it is a boy or a girl so I can appropriately choose the backing material, silk, and ribbon. In all honesty, it would've been cheaper for me to have just gone out and bought a blanket for them but as I've told Christine "You can't buy special" and its the love and heart and time that I put into that I will be passing on to their little one- not just a heap of fabric.

Adam and I are doing really, really well and he lights up my life. He called me this morning and said, "I called to tell you that I have super powers and am always right! I possess super-human smelling senses that surpass the ability of your inferior civilian nose. Remember that garbage smell I smelled last night and you told me I was a weirdo-beardo with a sensitive nose that lies? Well... I found the source. Raccoons knocked over our garbage cans in the backyard and ripped apart everything. Oh, its okay. I picked it all up, it was disgusting. But I just had to tell you that I am right and superior."

He absolutely cracks me up. There's been lots of laughing. I cant wait to see where our lives take us over the next few months. He makes me very happy. He makes it all worth it. He is my generic-brand Edward Cullen. Dang- I'm gonna have to get a good picture of what Adam looks like on a daily basis and do a side by side comparison of him and Robert Pattinson... you'll see!!!!

Lastly- I miss you, everybody!

my last night in omaha

I've had a fun few days with my family. It reminds me how much I miss so many things from my life pre-jersey. We have all eaten dinner together each night, followed by lots of laughs and board games. Balderdash, Catchphrase, Cranium, Scattergories. I LOVE BOARD GAMES!!! More so, I love having great people to have gather in one room and play them with.

None of my angelic brothers wanted to give up their beds, so I got to share my mom's cozy king size bed with her. Dont get me wrong, I love my mom, but she's not as cozy and relaxing and snuggly as the love of my life- Adam :)

Once again, I am a little nervous about flying home tomorrow. However, I am so excited to be back in the arms of my bunny that it is worth it. I think it is such a beautiful, special thing that I've never felt safer or more content than when he wraps his long lanky arms around me :) I'm so lucky to get to have that in my life. So few people get to truly experience it. Its intoxicating.

Anyway- I am off to IHOP for coffee with Corey. I'll update more soon!

thoughts

Colden is down for his afternoon nap. I'm just sitting at the computer absorbed in my own meandering thoughts.

Adam rearranged our entire house for probably the third or fourth time since the start of the new year. Our bedroom is now the big room again, the small bedroom is for our computers and miscellaneous and now we have two sofas and two coffee tables in our living room. *sigh* Our excess of furniture bugs the crap out of me.

I did basically a thousand loads of laundry this weekend. Every article of clothing, every set of sheets, and every single towel in our house is now clean and fairly organized. I give it until Sunday before its a complete disaster again.

Christine reminded me this morning that I need to start getting organized for my trip to Omaha. I haven't even contemplated packing or how to entertain myself during the trip. To be completely honest-- I'm terrified. There have been a shit ton of plane crashes in the area within the last few weeks and it scares me. It really, truly scares me. The last one that crashed in New York state took off from Newark Intn'l airport, which just happens to be the airport I'm departing from. I dont want to die. There is so many things left that I want to accomplish in my life. And what an absolutely horrific way to die! I've never been afraid of flying, but the anxiety is actually really getting to me. Please pray for my safety and sanity during these next few days. Brittan told me that flying is significantly safer than driving, so I am grasping onto that bit of hopeful information.

In other news...

A weightloss update: I had gained a couple of pounds over the holidays & stress-filled first weeks of the year. I waivered in the 195/96/97 range for a few weeks. But I am very happy to say that I weighed in this morning at 191.6! I unfortunately failed my first mini-goal of being 189 on Valentine's Day, but I feel like that goal is now very attainable. As a matter of fact- I think that I can get there by next week! Since I've reached "Onederland" as we 200+ fatties have been known to call it, my long term goals seem much, much more attainable!

For example- Adam watched my Harvey dvd a while back and commented on how fantastic I looked :) Well, I was about 180 my senior year of high school. Thats only ten pounds away!!! So easy! Also... I have some photos of me when I lived in Mexico that I absolutely love. I'm just in jeans, a hoodie, and tennies but I recalling feel so great and confident about my body. And I was about 160-165ish.

The lowest number I've seen on a scale in my teenage/adult life was when I was fifteen, before I moved back up to the states I weighed in at 157. The highest I've seen was probably the autumn/winter of 2007 when I reached about 225-230. Lucky for me, I have some great role models I can look up to remind me that it is possible! My cousin Michelle and my aunt Debi both look amazing and I am so proud of them for all of their hardwork (and insanely jealous and wish I could be handed their results without having to work for it!). Also- last summer my daddy lost a lot of weight and I was so happy for him, and for my family. I've never seen him looking so healthy and it really helped ease worries that I have about him. I want him to be around to lovingly insult his grandchildren and his greatgrandchildren.

Seeing my own family take initiative in getting healthy means so much to me. Our genetics and lifestyle habits have really worked against us and it is so motivating to see us slowly but surely getting healthy. Not just for ourselves-- but for our family. That is what is about now.

I already have long-standing knee problems. My blood pressure is good- not great/not terrible. Well, I want it to be fantastic. And 191.6 pounds is still a lot for my poor fragile knees to pack around each day! I do not want diabetes. I do not want arthritis or carpal tunnel or have to use a cane or a wheelchair long before my time. And I want my brothers and cousins and partner and future children to know that I love them so much that I am going to take better care of myself so I can be around to love them and support them and bug the crap out of them for a very, very long time.

Thin does not equal healthy. I have no desire to be thin. I love my curves! Granted, at the moment many of my curves are in the wrong places! BUT- I look forward to watching them shift into their proper spots. I eat well and sleep well and it gives me more energy. And with the weather beginning to warm that energy will be put to good use as I spend my days trying to keep up with a 2 year old boy!

I implore you all to take a look at your lifestyle habits. Every little thing counts! Is there something that you can be doing better for yourself? I dont want to be on my death bed some day from congestive heart failure knowing that I could've had another day, week, month, year with my loved ones if I would've just done a little something more for myself.

Hi! My name is Tiffany and I am amazing!

Recently, I've been working on a new book currently titled "Dating Myself." I have noticed that many of my friends, near and far, are starting to hit their Quarter Life Crisis and I too often hear things from them that make me very sad. A long time ago, I decided that it wasn't okay for me to not know what I truly wanted. There were so many things that scared me and I refused to spend a better part of my life being afraid of my own shadow. 

I love epiphanies. 

It is a fact that life is a variable. Things happen that we dont like. Thats not going to change- so why fight it? So- I embraced it. I could've looked at it with the defeatest attitude of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" but why join in on something I dont like? So I chose to look at it as "how can I make this work for me?" And in trying to figure out how to make life work for me- I opened the pandora's box that is my own heart and soul. How was I supposed to find contentment in life, in love, in anything if I wasn't content with myself? If you dont like yourself, you sure as hell arent going to like anything that you say or do. What do I want? What can't I live without? What scares me and how do I find I way to cope with that fear? And why focus on the negative and things I cannot change?

My name is Tiffany. 

I love that I'm 5'8" not freakishly tall, not a shorty, but quite comfortable!

I wear bright colors and it doesn't come off as obnoxious because it just seems to fit who I am too perfectly.

My eyes are so beautiful. Just really, really beautiful.

I am fiercely loyal and that makes me a better friend.

I am okay with the fact that I talk alot- its because I have a lot to say. If you listen closely, you might just catch a diamond in the rough of our conversations :)

I am photogenic- I rarely take a terrible picture. 

I am deeply empathetic. I think that emotion is a God given gift that many people do not have, so I feel incredibly blessed to be so open minded and accepting.

I am intelligent, creative, and talented. A jack of all trades, a master of none but still- it gives me options and I never feel like I'm trapped in a box of only being good at one thing.

I am beautiful. No matter what color my hair is, how much or how little make-up I am wearing, no matter how much weight I lose or gain- I know that I may not always be happy with my body but I am a gorgeous woman and I will never have a reason to hate the way I look.

I am Tiffany. I am a very jealous person. I am impulsive. I am not very good at adjusting the volume of my voice- it seems to be stuck at loud. I am incredibly impatient. My DNA has cursed me with fugly legs, no ass, a spare tire, no chin, and the ability to acquire stretch marks inhumanly fast for no reason at all (maybe I just sneezed too hard, who knows). 

Look at those lists. The not so great things about me is much shorter than the wonderful things about me. The sucky things are really no big deal. I can work at being more patient and less jealous. The things I dislike about my body are easily offset by the great things (I choose to highlight my nice rack and beautiful eyes and camoflauge my knees and belly... now my flaws are no longer noticeable --- TADA! FIXED!) 

Look. NO WOMAN can buy something off the rack and it fit just perfectly, so dont think you're the only person that has to try on 100 pairs of jeans before finding a pair that is satisfactory after a few alterations. There is no such thing as a perfect bra, a perfect high heel, a perfect denim, a perfect blouse, or a perfect person. Get over it!

I encourage everyone to make two lists, one of all the great things about you and one of all the things you dont like about you. At first- the negative may outweigh the positives. But why would you want to live that way? If you cant stand those things about yourself- why should you expect other people to love them? Start fixing those negatives until they become a positive!

Spend some time getting to know yourself. You'll be surprised how cool you really are! And trust me, before you know it- you'll be able to rattle off a list of all the great things about you without thinking about it. Because I know that I can think of a million things I like about you-- so you should think about the million things that you like about you too!  

Never A Dull Moment!

Can I just say... I freaking love K-Chap and CoCo. <3>

During Colden's nap,I get a phone call from Kendra saying "I need to highlight my hair RIGHT NOW! I'm going to CVS, I'll be over there in fifteen minutes!" Okay. No prob. I've dyed lots of peoples hair. She shows up with a box that has that cap and the hook thing that you pull the hair through.... and we just couldn't resist ourselves.

During this photoshoot Keith (who decided to work from home today) decided to come downstairs. He was in the kitchen and we were in the living room. He was on a conference call. We just couldn't help ourselves! K-chap and I were going to coyly ambush him with our crazy by merely poking our heads around the corner, in full helmeted garb,  and staring at him wide eyed until he noticed us and freaked out. So we executed our plan.... but somehow, during our planning, Keith silently ninja'd out of the kitchen and we poked our crazy heads into nothingness. So... we tiptoed around the corner, hoping he had moved to the hall. But alas! He was not there! Defeated, we agreed he must've gone upstairs back up to the office. We sat back on the living room couch, discussing possibilities for jimmy-rigging my camera to film us with our silent/quirky ambush on him upstairs. Admist said plotting.... a wide-eyed Keith pokes his head around the corner scaring the bejesus out of us. Kendra and I basically lost it. Hysterical giggling insued. Keith had turned the tables on us. *sigh* He just stared at us and said "What.... what are you doing? Are you dying her hair? Oh my god." And he laughed at us and walked away.

No. You cannot have back the three minutes of your life that it took you to read this story.

Enjoy.

crossroads

The blogging bug has biten me!

I thought that I'd combine my love for writing, family, friends, and gossip and really strap it down and start blogging. So many people are growing up, moving away, getting married, traveling, or just going with the flow of life and I feel honored (and old) to stand back and watch as its all happening.

As for me-

Adam and I just renewed our lease on our wonderful apartment in Wayne. Wayne is a great town to live and we have everything we need nearby. We have a great deal on our place but every gew has its flaw-- ours is a bat-shit crazy old hag for a landlady. But its worth it. Following a rather dramatic incident involving frozen pipes in our kitchen this winter, she and I don't talk much-- Adam now gets to deal with her and all of her horrendous "when I was your age" and "well, my grandkids" stories. I am not sad about this new arrangement :)

I am very excited to fly to Omaha next week to be with my family. It has been almost a YEAR since I've seen Brittan and despite the fact he's eternally a butthead, I still miss him. One of the great things about a sucky economy is that airlines are now going to be knocking their prices down 40% so hopefully I'll be able to see them much, much more this years. Who knows-- maybe I can even swing a trip to Oregon sometime this year?!

Some highlights.
-I've made some really amazing friends in the area- finally! Now that I have them, I realize I was crazy to go so long without social outlets and now I dont know what I'd ever do without them.
-I started "fake-baking" and now sport an incredible tan! Dont worry-- I'm not going to continue doing it. I'm not used to having color on my skin and it kinda weirds me out so I'm definitely not going ANY darker.
- Adam was awarded another raise this month! It is a substantial increase in our monthly income and am I happy to say we'll be living quite comfortably in the near future. Its also awkward for me to accept that I can actually live comfortably in the suburbs of NYC- but we really are truly blessed in all we have.
- I have learned to budget! I still suck at it, but I have caught up on all of my bills and have started to notice a significant decrease in my debt. I now have one student loan fully paid off. I have a ways to go still, but I'm happy to be on the right track!
- I recently purchased private health insurance coverage. It is expensive and is totally raping my finances, but I get the proper medication and dosages that I need and am doing so much better for it. It is worth every penny.
- I also recently celebrated my one year "Nannyversary" with the Tobias family. Being with their family has been an unbelievable experience for me. I am thrilled to announce that Christine is expecting baby number two!!! The precious little nugget is due in September and I can't wait to meet her/him!
-This is going to be a very big, busy year for me. Colden went pee on the potty for the very first time yesterday after nap and I have never been so ecstatic! This is my first real potty training experience and of course Colden won't allow it to be anything less than an adventure. He also just got his first "big boy bed" and starts preschool at the end of the summer. We have a very exciting year with many difficult life-transitions but my little homeslice is a trooper and I know we'll take all of these challenges head on and have a good time with it!

I am excited to be turning 22 this year. Many of you know that back when I lived in Mexico I felt like God had spoken to me in several ways about things he has in store for my future- one of which is that my 22nd year was going to MINE. It is going to be exciting and truly blessed. In preparation for the best year ever- I'm working hard to get organized and evaluate my life, relationships, and myself. I am ready to grow and mature in new ways and to purge myself of any and all bad karma.

As winter is starting to come to a close, I am amping up my weightloss goals. I lost a decent amount of weight last summer, but managed to only maintain that weight but not lose. So. I am determined to look hotter than ever this summer! I'm pretty hot as it is, so I'm aware its a lofty goal ;) I'll keep everyone updated on that journey as I go.

So. Now that I've written a novella- I'm not sure what I'll talk about in my next entry :)

until then <3