Today I did something I havent done in a while-- I went to church! I dug my bible out of my nightstand and tagged along with Kendra to a "sub-church" of Jacksonville Chapel called "Emergence." I have, on occasion, googled or browsed through the yellowpages online looking for a laidback, modern, and more liberal church that I might consider poking my head into. Kendra was recommended to this place and told me about it and I decided I'd like to check it out.
It was a very emotional experience for me. I was relieved to find it to be just about everything I was hoping to find in a new home church, but I sat through most of it feeling very vulnerable, exposed and hypocritical. Its been about two years since I've attended a service and going today brought up a lot of things that I thought I had gotten over but obviously havent.
I believe that God cares about how we treat each other and the love we openly give to one another, and about what is true in our hearts. Gay/Straight. Republican/Democrat. Blue Collar/White Collar. Married/Divorced. Whatever. Its inconsequential. Yes, we should all strive to live a life of virtue and a decent moral standing is important- but who are we to define what each other's values should be? A church to me, is a gather of people who share the same purpose- to love one another and to support each other in our journies of becoming better people. It is a place, to me, where you should feel comfortable with opening your wounded heart and where you should feel safe.
However. In my experience I've seen more of the "church" kicking you when you are down and need your brothers/sisters in Christ the most. And boy oh boy does that sting. But Tiffany, you were a missionary for a year and half! BFD. Big fucking deal. In all honesty, being a missionary, looking back on those experiences, has only made me feel more disappointed, embarrassed, and bitter towards organized religion.
It is a battle for me that I really was not expecting when I went to Emergence today. I loved everything about it. I want to go again. I plan on going again. But I am fearful. And rightfully so. I genuinely miss the pure joy of heart that I had at times when I lived in Mexico, free of many shackles and with an amazing relationship with God. When my parents seperated and we had to move back to the States, I saw the true colors of "christianity" and have been embarrassed to HAVE to label myself a "christian" since. I have taken to saying "I am spiritual, not religious." I miss the fellowship.
I live in sin. BFD. Everybody does. I live with a man that I'm not married to. I swear. I have premarital sex. I highly HIGHLY doubt that any of that will change soon. And I dont want it to. I love my life and I love my relationship. I am very, very proud to be "liberal." I am a fag-hag and Jesus is OKAY with that. I want to go to church again. I want to have bible study with other young people my age and not have feel like I am putting on a mask because its "church" and there is a strict code of conduct. I didnt feel like I had to put on that mask at Emergence. But I trusted SFC, too. And I am scared of being hurt again.
I find it sad that I am more terrified of opening my heart to a church than I ever have been of trying to make a new friend or take a step in a relationship after being crossed/backstabbed/or stomped on by one.
But I guess part of believing in God is having a blind faith. And I hope, hope, hope that Emergence wont beat me the way I have been beaten before. I think I'm going to choose to have some blind faith with their staff and congregation. I hope to speak with their pastor soon. Maybe join a small group? Check out their website www.emergencenj.org
A jaded MK. LoL. I never would've pegged myself as one. But its pretty undeniable at this point.
Let me know what you think!
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