An Obsessive Old Fart

I'm finally coming to terms with it. I am an obsessive old fart. I will be 22 in seven days, but really- I should probably be turning 52. Today Adam and I dropped his car off at the auto repair to get new tires and wipers put on. Then we went to Sears to compare prices on air conditioners. Whilst price comparing and thinking if quite possibly Home Depot would have better prices, I got distracted by these bright shiny things.... I couldn't help it. I was drawn to them... I had to have them! I got the biggest smile on my face and my eyes were wide. 

Then I stopped in my tracks, started panicking and turned on Adam. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!!!" The poor man was dumbfounded. "What do you mean?" He asks. "YOU'VE MADE ME OLD! IM STANDING IN SEARS SALIVATING OVER THESE BEAUTIFUL, GLISTENING NEW WASHERS & DRYERS!!!!!! IM ONLY 21! THIS CANT BE HAPPENING YET!!!"

He reminded me that its a part of growing up. But I just cannot accept this. Not yet. 

Which brings me to part deux! I am an obsessive person. My current obsession? DC Comics. It all started with Superman and has now developed into a full fledged obsession with the DC universe. Including heated arguments with geeks at a BBQ about the superiority over Marvel (which they vehemenantly disagreed with). So. *sigh* It makes me feel young. So between my actual age and my internal age.... I'd say maybe that makes me about.... 37? 

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

.:An Ode To Boyfriends Past:.

I was just sitting around thinkin.... a dangerous thing, I know. But alas, my mind wandered and I rather enjoyed the awkward, quirky, emotionally confusing, painful trip. I figured I'd put it down in words and share with you all the wonders that are the men that have come into my life over the last 22 years. Christopher Page- I think it is ridiculous that I still know you're name and can remember what your yearbook picture looks like all these years later. We were in Mrs Webber's kindergarten class together and I had the biggest crush on you. I'm pretty sure you moved away at the end of the year and I've never seen you ever again. But still. I shall never forget. Oh dear Bobby Roberts. I am pretty sure I was in lust with you all through Junior High. To this day, I'm still not sure why. But after my 13th birthday party you typed me out a note. I was so excited that It never left my hand for a second that entire day. I still have it. LoL. I dont know what else to say. But you deserve a tip of the hat, my friend. My international love affair with Joel Bryant is one that I will treasure forever. I was 14, he was 15. I, and American. He, a Canadian. And we met and fell in love in Mexico. My brother Corey swears on his life that his hair smelled like toothpaste and refers to him only as "Colgate" ... which drives me nucking futs. He hair did NOT smell like toothpaste. I know this because on our last night together we held hands under a picnic table while sharing a blanket, he spent hours writing me a my very first love letter, and then kissed me outside of the bathrooms at the church in Zarahembla in front of about twelve of the MK's. We never saw each other again. But we would chat online, he'd hand write me love letters, and we would talk about how we were so blessed to have found each other and fallen in love and that we'd get married and live happy ever after. He insisted that we would Honeymoon on the moon... because by the time we were old enough to be together for reals- they'd have resorts there and it'd be awesome and he wanted to prove the we would go to the moon for me. :) From there... it gets a little blurry. Mostly a shmorgisboard of slobbery kisses from half of thurston high school thanks to Theatre Cast Parties, A deck of playing cards, and spin the bottle. Lucas Dumont- a dirty disgusting foul human being that was an amazing kisser and made me feel rebellious by steaming up the windows in Subway parking lot. My mom warned me to be careful, as he was much older and only using me... when the truth was, I was his supervisor at work and I was using him in my free time and abusing my bossing-around power during my work time :) Thanks Lucas :) Matt Sevits... we shared a passion for writing, he is absolutely hysterical, he can dance to Britney with the best of them, and is simply just a joy to be around. Therefore... of course he was too good to be straight, but I wouldn't trade our experiences together for the world. I cried when he broke up with me, I was honestly surprised and heavy-hearted, but that was no reason to lose a good friend... we actually hung out and went to the movies the day after the break up. He made my junior year a friggin BLAST. He is who I would consider my first "boyfriend," though it was short lived. I would like to think that had I stayed in Oregon, we would've remained good friends. Brace yourselves.... Zach Bingaman. The craziest, most drama-filled, riveting, exciting time of my life. For sure. While he was angsty and metro and sensitive he treated me like a queen. He went out of his way daily to make me feel special. He was patient and sweet and nurturing. To be honest... he was a damn good boyfriend and I consider myself lucky. We met in the most extraordinary of circumstances. My mom picked him out of a crowd of hundreds of people as the one man that was the most "my type"... lo-and-behold.... lol :) Good eye Mommy! I was completely devastated when we broke up... I'm still not sure how that happened. It was a fluke conversation gone awkwardly, amicably awry and I honestly didnt think it was real. I wasnt even positive we were ACTUALLY broken up. Until he quickly moved on with a girl down the hall.... but i digress. We both handled it badly, but I walked out of the situation with fantastic memories and three amazing friends that I would've never had come into my life without him. Krag, Dezzy, and Julia. To this day, I have a very soft spot of fondness for the three of them. Krag and I have even walked together through Central Park and lunched in NYC. Its a beautiful thing. When I moved to New Jersey... I had a slew of dirtbags attempting to break down the door to my downstairs-bidness to no avail. Dating out here is much different than dating in the northwest, thats for sure! and lastly.... Adam Fredericks. It has been 2 1/2 years. We moved in together after five months. Hasty, but worth it. A rollercoaster ride, but worth it. He is perfect. A pain in the ass, but perfect. Everything I never knew I wanted. I feel blessed to be with him. Confused a little... how did I get so lucky to find a man that I want to put all of my energy into and am willing to commit myself to for life at a ripe, immature age of 19? It blows my mind. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream and will wake up and find that what we have really is too good to be true. Dont get me wrong, we fight and argue and get on each others nerves and we've had as many bad days as we've had good... but in the end- enough will never be enough. There is something so special about our connection that we both know that being without each other would be such a monumental mistake its just not an option. He is the first man I have ever truly been in love with. And he will be the last. So. That is my ode to all of the men that have come and gone in my life that have helped shaped this kooky crazy cracker that I am today. A tip of my hat to you all... and most importantly- Thank you.

The Bottom Line

Okay. As hard as I try to let sleeping dogs lie... this has just been weighing too heavily on my heart to keep my mouth shut. I know that if I just write it down, my soul will feel better.
Politics are a touchy subject. Duh. I am liberal. Duh. BUT. Here is the kicker... I am respectful. I would say the ratio of people that are in my family and that I love dearly that are liberal vs conservative.... it leans heavily to the conservative side. I am soooo fine with that. As a matter of fact, there are some issues that I actually have conservative views about. But I digress. This is what I have to say.

The election is over, people. Bush is out of office. Obama is our new president. Get over it. Now... I mean that in the most loving way possible. But I feel like I have heard more negativity and division and disrespect over the last few weeks than I did the entirity of the election campaign!!! Obama is president. And its going to be that way for a few more years. So please... PLEASE stop the slandering! It is so destructive.

I feel like now, more than ever, is when we as a nation need to suck it up, set aside our differences and work together. I am the biggest whiner on the planet, but I swear on my life that I would not bitch this intensely had McCain won.
Am I glad Obama won- yes. But that is just MY opinion. I can see why people would want McCain to win- I DO. I promise you. Do I think Bush did a terrible job as president- YES. As does nearly 70% of the country. But I also believe that no man is an island. Our country did not sink to this unfortunate depth because of him and him alone. But guess what. He was the leader. He was the Team Captain. Therefore, the responsibilty lies with him. Did he make every single decision that has thrown our country into a recession- NO. But he has to take responsibility for the actions of his team (members that he chose himself) and step up. That is the reality of it. He signed up for the job. Twice. It comes with the terrority. Its just a fact of life- not a fact of politics. Anyone that has been in sports or headed a corporate project or whatever should understand that.

The recession is hurting our loved ones, and ourselves, in ways I hoped I would never have to witness. Our country is one gigantic mess at the moment. And it hurts my hear so deeply that so many people I know and care about are so intent on making our new Team Captain fail. If he fails... it hurts US. All of us. Why our you rooting for our leader to fail and our people, our friends and family, to suffer?! I just cant wrap my head around it.

Whether you agree with all of Obama's policies or not, whether you are happy he is President or not... it shouldnt matter. I urge any and everyone to stop putting so much negativity out into our universe.

The bottom line...I just want our country to heal. I want my friends to be able to find jobs and avoid bankruptcy. I want our men home from overseas to watch their children grow up and I want our country to be safe.

You dont have to like Obama. You dont have to become a raging liberal. But now, more than ever, is when we need to- HAVE TO- unite as a people and prove to the world that America is the amazing country we claim to be. And that will never be accomplished as long as we insist on fighting each other. We're portraying ourselves as hypocrits. It starts at home. How can we expect ourselves to keep our country safe and extend our positive energy beyond our borders if we cant even do that with our own neighbours?!

Have some faith. I would like to think we all, in the end, want the same thing. Liberal/Conservative. "Gay"/"Straight". Redneck/Hippie. Black/White. Rich/Poor. So lets work together. I know that I would put my all into doing what I could do if McCain was president. So why cant you do the same for our Elected Leader?

twenty-two

My 22nd birthday is fast approaching. For the first time in quite some time, I find myself eager and excited for the day. I am always happy to be one year older, I was one of the many misguided that felt they had to grow up too quickly and couldn't wait to be a "real adult." But this year is different than all the others. I havent had a real birthday party or anything for the last three years and I havent minded much. Even on my 21st it was off to work and then home with Adam and making myself choke down a tiny glass of Arbor Mist just because I could buy it myself and thats what you're supposed to do. 21 didnt mean much. 22 means everything.

Sounds silly, I know. But I have my reasons. Some of you know why. Some of you dont. Doesnt matter, really, whether you do or you dont... just know that June 2nd 2009 through June 1st 2010 is going to be the most crucial time of my life to date. There are very few things in life I actually know I know... but this is one of them. I've known it since I was thirteen. I've been counting down the days.... and boy am I ever ready for it.

I have been preparing myself for it. I know I am in for the ride of my life... but I know when God promises you "The Year To Remember" that doesnt necessarily mean a year filled to the brim with joy and contentment. I have done my best to prepare myself for both the best and the worst. But no matter what events arise during those twelve months- I know that it will shape my soul and my person into the real individual I was meant to be. I anticipate the biggest smiles, the fiercest sobs, and more clarity than any young woman should really have.

To start off my journey on the right foot, I have laid to rest some of the reoccuring arguments that Adam and I have. It puts an unnecessary strain on our relationship and through honesty and compromise- we have finally reached an agreement both parties are satisfied with! That alone eliminates at least 50% of all the stress and fights we've had/have. Thank goodness. As a result, I have found myself becoming a better friend to those aroud me, and accepting some truths about myself that are hard to admit to. I've taken responsibility for my part in the negativity. It was like a lightswitch. I was trying to support a friend of mine in her current relationship issues and when she broke down crying she said something that cut me like a knife. Her boyfriend was doing some of the same emotional defense things to her that I do with Adam... and I saw how bad it was hurting her. Im not an aural learner... Adam can say that it hurts him how ever many times he wants, but its when I see the pain with my eyes is when I truly understand. My jaw literally dropped. I went straight home and apologized profusely to Adam. It made me appreciate him so much more for being strong and wise and patient. I am truly blessed to be with him.

On Friday, I will be going to a highly recommended woman for a session of spiritual awareness/healing/reading. I know many relaible people that have gone to her (she is a friend of their family) and speak highly of how life changing it is and how it helps you grow and heal internally. I get emotional thinking about it. I know it will do me worlds of good. It will put my spirit right before embarking on a too-anticipated chapter of my life. I cant wait to report my experiences to you!

On a lighter note. I'm hella excited for a themed BBQ I'll be attending at Stender's house next Saturday! REDNECKS! Yee-haw! Unite! Its gonna be a blast!

Also. A little list of things that I'd like to do/get/experience in my 22nd year of life.



BEFORE I TURN 23:

- Find a wondeful perfume that I love is affordable, lasts all day, and people can smell it when I walk by (you know when you walk through the mall and a woman passes you and you smell her perfume and it lingers for a second, but not too strongly and you go "ooooooooh!" ... yeah that.)

- Get a new tattoo!!!

- Get a massage! (Maybe a whole spa day with a mani/pedi too!)

- FINALLY buy a clear Burts Bee's Lipshimmer. (I always accidentally grab the colored ones and they NEVER look good on me!)

- Find the perfect bathing suit for under $80

- Get a cell phone I actually like

- Be happy with my body again

- Be engaged or single

a few things...

I had intended to write this blog about one particular thing... then on my way home so many other things got under my skin that I felt the need to share.

1) I absolutely HATE living in a place where I am STUCK IN TRAFFIC on a lazy weekday afternoon. 

2) On said lazy afternoon, instead of rolling down your window and enjoying the sunshine and fresh air... you get a contact high from all the goddamn fumes of gas, burning rubber, ass, and Paterson while stuck in aforementioned traffic. 

3) Idiot teenagers dressed like sluts driving luxury cars like total douchebags. (need I say more?)

4) I have really learned a lot about myself this week. I feel like in a split second I had an epitome and grew up a little more. (I will have to write a new blog on this shortly, as I am still stewing over things 1-3)

Summer Must-Haves!

There are just some things a woman needs to survive, let alone enjoy, a summer. I know its technically spring... but its been in the high 80's over here the last few days so I found myself making my summer must-have list. Most of which I do not have own myself, but am pretty sure I need.

A GINORMOUS WATER BOTTLE:

I bought myself this water bottle at the Container Store a year ago and it was a wise investment of $4.99. It has an awesome handle, doesnt leak and if you fill it up- fulfills your entire daily recommended amount of water so you dont have to refill it often! I usually try to drink two full ones of these a day. Water water water!

WATER #2:

Vitamin Water 10 is the best invention ever. Its so delicious, low in calories and high in vitamins. MUST LOVE!

SMALLVILLE:

Because I am newly obsessed and Tom Welling is hot. Sure to keep boredom away and your libido high on those slow muggy days indoors.

SALT WATER SANDALS:
I used to live in these as a kid. I friggin loved them. I havent found a pair for adults ever. I love them so much. Oh the glory days of my youth! :) Flashbacks to '94!!! These will always be a fond summer attachment of mine and I'd give anything to have a pair! Salt Water Sandals totally pwn Gellies.

HOBOBAGS:

You try lugging around a 30+ pound toddler that is tantruming while trying to find your keys and lugging toys and crap back to the car. These are SUPER cute, SUPER functional, and adorably boho-chic. I never want to own another purse after purchasing myself a very ugly one with some sort of native-american poncho-looking fabric. Still. Must-have!

FLOWER HAIR CLIPS:

A signature of mine in high school. Now that my hair is getting long and is blonde again, I went to break them back out. Unfortunately all of the ones I owned were destroyed after being dumped into an old bag of out-dated used and abused make-up and are no longer suitable for wearing. *sigh* But still.... I have to buy more now! They're wonderful and fun and flirty and I love them. Must-have!

BURTS BEES LIP SHIMMER:

Because its the best ever. Does it need any other explanation? Didnt think so.

BERMUDA SHORTS:

Because real women get the chub-rub and just cant be havin' the fabric creepin up where it dont belong.

BBQs:

Because it isnt summer without them. Duh!

KISSES:

They make the world go round and summer isnt summer until you've kissed a cute boy when you shouldnt have! MUST-DO!

nothin much

Cant say that I've been up to much of anything interesting. But I realize its been a few days since I've blogged and the jambalaya I'm cooking for dinner has to simmer for another ten or so minutes so I figured- hey, why not?! 

I am feeling very pleased with life at the moment. I'm trying to avoid stress and declutter my life. Unfortunately I can never escape the grumpies- but I'm doing my best. I cleaned out and reorganized my entire closet- both of them! That is officially 5 garbage bags full of crap I'm purging of myself. 2 from this weekend's raid and 3 from two months ago. It feels nice. But- I've also noticed that I have absolutely ZERO summer clothes and I am sweating and panting like Carnie Wilson at a marathon. Its not good.

I am very much addicted to Smallville. Because A) Tom Welling is my dream man. If I could build my dream male body- Tom Welling would be the result. B) I effing LOVE superheroes. C) I'm finding inspiration for my writing from it. Sounds weird, huh? I am in no way, shape or form ripping anything off of the show... there are just some very beautiful acting moments meshed in with the sitcom-ness of it. From those moments of genius, I have pulled out some elements and have begun to build the basis of really fascinating characters in my own world. It makes me happy. I'm almost done with Season 4 and have Season 5 in my netflix cue!

I had my blood drawn on saturday which sucked and I cried. But for the first time EVER-- the nurse got blood out on the very first stick! I swear I've never been pricked less than five times before they find a suitable vein.

I also went a fun BBQ at Stender's house and I loved it. I felt like we had never missed a day a part, but at the same time were two completely different, more mature individuals than when we first met. It was nice. I'm glad she is back in my life.

As of now- I'm just looking forward to my landmark year of 22. My birthday is nearing!!! Im more excited than I've been for any other birthday. I am going to Red Robin for lunch with friends. Because I am low-class and not fancy and that is what I want. So that is what I shall have!

Thats about it. Miss you guys! Leave me love <3

Home Is Where The Heart BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

So. I know my blogging has been quiet and left much to be desired lately. There has been a reason for that. There has been a lot on my mind and I was asked not to share a big part of it. But... since I was given clearance to talk about it- now I can. And now I have the energy to sit and write a blog about what my heart has been fighting about the last couple of weeks.

I just found out that I am going to be an auntie!!! Brittan and Maria are expecting their first baby! My mommy is gonna be a Nana at 42! That blows my mind. It is the first grandbaby, the first Greatgrandbaby and I think its safe to say- everyone is pretty excited! When Britty called to tell me I jumped up and down and squealed and laughed and was thrilled for about an hour or two. Then my own words kinda fell on me like a ton of bricks...

I had joked to Brittan on the phone "Oh man! I get to be that crazy aunt that comes around and stirs things up on the holidays!" (You know the token one in every family movie?- yeah that one!) I thought it was funny when I said it. But then the meaning behind it caught up with me. I stepped back and looked at the situation at a whole. For the first time I think I really saw just how MONUMENTAL a baby is, how a new life completely COMPLETELY changes the ENTIRE dynamic of a family. And now... of MY family.

My aunt Kim bought me my first "real" bra. I remember it. I was the tomboy that only wore sports bras. We went shopping at Fashion Bug and I saw this bra that had clear straps, was bright purple with this sheen squares on them that made the cups look like big purple disco balls. There was only one left and it was a 34D and I wanted it. I was 13. I told Kimi I had to try it on, I didnt care if I had to stuff it, it had to be mine. I tried it on in the dressing room and at 13- that d-cup was a perfect fit. I was beautiful busting out of it. I told Kimi to come to my dressing room and showed her and she yelled "HOLY SHIT! WHERE'D THOSE THINGS COME FROM?!" Underneath my sports bras- I never new that I had actually grown some boobs! lol :) She paraded me around the Motel that day, showing my cousin & her friends that look "Sissy had grown her boobs!" I was embarrassed and proud at the same time! 

My aunt Jackie would do my hair and gossip with me about boys. For some reason- hairdressers seem to be able to get you to spill your guts about any and everything just by sitting you down in their chairs. My aunt Debi was always so charismatic and pretty and popular and I've always looked up to her.  I've always been able to go to my aunts when I needed some time away from my house, when I needed to spill my guts or needed advice, and they'd lovingly give the advice and help prep me to tell my parents something I was afraid to. They were always... PRESENT.

And therein lies my problem.

I do not EVER EVER EVER want to be that crazy aunt that lives out in New York that is all weird and stuff and comes around on holidays. I want to be that crazy aunt that is all weird and stuff that lives around the corner and is there for sleepovers, shopping trips, soccer games, buys you the most obnoxious toys and makes you keep them at your house, hypes you up on sugar and drops you off on your front porch before mom comes out and whines at me about it, and to help you convince your dad that YES- you should date that cute kid that sits behind you in math.

Brittan changed a lot when he joined the military. He changed a lot when he became a husband. And those are going to be NOTHING compared to the change he is about to make becoming a father. I havent got to see much of him over the last couple of years and it makes me sad that each time I have gotten to see him, he's a new person that he wasn't the last time I saw him. I have to re-learn big parts of him each time I meet him. Do you know how bad that kills me? I know what day and TIME each of my brothers were born. I can tell you pointless facts about each of them. I know them all inside and out. At least... I used to.

I have been so far removed from my family for the last three years. Christian is taller than me now. Jeremiah had really short hair when I visited him one time. The next time he had really long hair. I hate myself for missing so much of THEIR lives.... and now I'm going to be missing one of the most important moments in my family's history? Fuck that. Now I REALLY hate myself.

I cant just pick up and move. Its not that easy. Adam and I have completely melded our lives into one out here in the shithole of the universe and I cant just undo that. I dont want to undo that. But Adam's very promising career is here and only here, for the moment. But before we could even think about moving to Omaha, we'd have to decide where our relationship is going. If we're not going to get married, whats the point in moving and him becoming a true, irreplacable member of my family? 

It's just opened up a pandora's box of clusterfucked emotions for me. GUILT. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of boat loads of guilt. I feel like I have failed my brothers in not being present in their lives. I feel like I fail Adam by feeling guilty about sharing my life with him here removed from my family. Its a really horrible, pain-numbing double edged sword. 

No matter how wackadoodle I am, no matter how much Brittan and I piss each other off- I hope, and dare I say truly believe in my heart that he would want me to be an active member in his children's lives. They say that a man never REALLY knows compassion until he is a father... and I want to be there to see my brother's face when he experiences that for the first time. I cant be. At best- I'll see the baby when he/she is a couple weeks old at Christmas.  After that... not for a few more months. And I'll hate myself and feel guilty for it every second in between. 

I feel stuck. So so so so stuck. Its overwhelming. I dont think my family understands why I feel I have to stay here for a while longer. I dont think Adam understands why I feel like I cant stay here any longer. 

ROCK/*me*/HARDPLACE

it really sucks

This is supposed to be a time of joy. And selfishly... all I can do is think about how I am unwillingly willing to miss out on such a beautiful, joyous time in our lives.

EasteR

Happy Easter everybody!!! Hope yours was filled with fun and laughter and goodies and smiles! Mine was alright. Pretty good. The image uploader on this blogger really sucks, so I have to give you my blog backwards! :)

This evening, my friend Wendy and I ran all around town trying to find something to do. Apparently iHop is the only place on the planet open on Easter. So we sat there and just hung out for a few hours. I thoroughly enjoyed it. We thought we'd take a picture to commemorate our love for French Toast.

me & wendy!

I decided I'd like to look half decent for the holiday. Most ladies get pretty little pastel dresses and cardigans and blahblahblah. But I wanted to feel pretty, not just try to fake it. So... instead I purchased me an "Easter Blouse" since my legs are too disformed and nasty to allow me to look half decent in a dress. This is about as fancy as I get, but I felt very nice in it. And, frankly, my cleavage was phenomenal.

My Easter Blouse!

Adam's mother was very sweet and paid for us to have an Easter brunch (with bottomless champagne & mimosas!) since she couldn't grace us with her presence. She is a holiday junky and goes ALL OUT for every single one of them. Anyway. The place she chose is called Portobello and its in Oakland. It is sooo beautiful. It is very rustic, Italian and the atmosphere was great. It would be perfect for a wedding reception or a small, intimate wedding I think. (I'll have to keep that in mind!) :)  I dont know if it was because the time of our reservation was toward the end or what, but the food was 50/50. It was either really great or really terrible. Their raw bar was AMAZING! Their seafood was sooo delicious. I wanted to grab the entire thing off the bar and just take it to my table. Their cheese selection was great. They had lamb, ham, steak and roast beef that they carved for you and it was juicy and tender and perfect. Their Foccia was the best I have ever EVER tasted. I begged Adam to let me steal some in a napkin and shove it in my purse to have later tonight! LoL. I didnt though :( However- their italian meats were extremely dry. Their desserts were also very stale and lacking in variety. They were also out of fresh fruit. The little that I did get to try was VERY good. Fresh. Not at all mushy or anything. I didnt have any of the pastas, but Adam said they were delicious- and if he says so than they definitely are because he is a very picky italian pasta connoisseur! Other than getting lost on the way there (Adam was driving, obviously) and getting carsick because it causing me to initiate a petty little bicker fest until we were successfully parked and I made myself apologize for his inability to maneuver a parking lot... it was a very wonderful morning :)

Portobello

Hannah Montana and Broken Roads

So, tonight Kendra and I confessed our love for Hannah Montana and decided to go see it together. Yes. On opening day. There were slutty 13 year old girls texting behind Kendra texting and kicking her seat. There were two five year olds fighting and crying and whining behind me. A jaded single father in front of us. And two suburbia couples with their perfect children duking it out because one of the mothers wouldn't put her cell phone away. God I hate New Jersey. But I loved the movie!!! 

Kendra and I before the show!!!

A great thing about the movie was that it had a lot of Tennessee native musicians in it. Including Rascal Flatts jammin with grannies to "Backwards"... but most touchingly, singing at night on a front porch swing with only an acoustic guitar "Bless The Broken Road." I hadn't heard that song in so long. We listened to it on the way home on Kendra's iPod. I'm glad I heard it tonight. For the first time I was really able to appreciate the lyrics. I hope you do to.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home

Into my lover's arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

its been about nine days...(ETA: you either really DO or DO NOT want to read this)

... and I havent gotten a chance to blog! My brother messaged me wondering if I was still alive. Alas. Indeed. I am still well and thriving. Hmmm, maybe not so much the "well" part. But I have all of my parts intact and am still kickin.

A few things on my mind today:

Allison Iraheta is the shit. I love her. Her voice is amazing and I've actually bought most of her songs off of iTunes. Okay. By "most" I mean two. "Alone" and "I Cant Make You Love Me."

I usually blog when Colden is napping and all is still and quiet in the world and I get antsy and its a total mindf**k and since I dont have anyone to dish to other than Sundance (who, sadly, has been acting/feeling very odd lately and it concerns me, and lets face it- Cassidy basically just hates me and tolerates me because I refill his water bowl everyday) and poor Sundance can only take it for so long that I have resorted to blogging. Then I direct the masses - via Big Brother & Satan (aka Facebook & Myspace)- to read said blog. Then no one leaves me comments so I think that no one is reading any of this, THUS..... resulting in really awful, pointless run-on paragraphs of nonsensical ranting (ie, see above). Long story short-- Keith has been working from home for the past week or two and he occupies the office during napping hours. Oh. And every time I type "Keith" I always type "Keither" and have to go back and delete the "er" ... dont ask me why. I have no clue.

In other news. I have been kinda sick the last few days. I used my first "official" sick day on Tuesday. My stomach feels like its on fire one minute, the next it feels like someone is seriously punishing my brain with an incurable headache, then I try to settle them both by munching on solid food, taking aleve, and sipping gatorade. Then my headache settles into a monotonous dull roar that is horrible in a completely different way, the shakies stope, but I can hear my belly sloshing with every move I make and then fear that the burp that is caught in my throat is actually arm wrestling with vomit.... its just very complex.

Which brings me to... Adam and I came to the realization that despite the fact we've been together 2 1/2 years, neither of us have seen the other one vomit. Ever. I mean, he has seen my dry heave like a thousand million times (which everyone knows I do when I get really upset or cry too hard). But thats it. We've never been "flu sick" with each other. Weird. Isn't that something you should really know about someone before you marry them? I mean... when my dad barfs the walls shake. But then some of my brothers are "blubblubblub-speeeeeewwww" and its entirely uneventful.

I think its fascinating. Vomitting styles say a lot about a person. Hmmm. I think Christine and I actually had this conversation before. LoL. OMIGAWD! I think we totally did. I love Christine :) Anyway. Same goes with pooping. They should have one of those myspace quiz things about what your vomitting and/or pooping style say about you.

I'm sorry if you actually read this blog.

just because

Amidst the emotional roller coaster that is trying to organize your life and your future despite everything you DONT know outweighing everything you DO know... I catch a glimmer of the beautiful gem stuck in the mud (translation= my life!). Not that my life is muddy and terrible, I'm quite content, its just very stagnant. And if you know me... you know that I HATE HATE HATE stagnacity. But I need consistency. Ack! I'm such a complicated person!!! Anyway... last night, in a very quite way, my life reminded me why I love it so much. It reminded me that no matter how tired I am, how irritating he gets, or how stagnant it seems- it is worth every second.

Adam and I sat on our sofa last night. I made dinner and we sat in front of the TV eating and watching South Park. It was an episode where Oprah's vagina & butthole call Heraldo Rivera. It took us about two minutes to lose our appetite. But what worse, the only thing on TV was College Basketball and reruns of 24 (ahhhh! the nightmare of it all!!!!). So we turned it off and finished dinner quickly.

"House" doesnt start for another 45 minutes... what're we going to do?! EASY! We play old-school street fighter on the xbox360 until he's beaten me and I'm whining.... that took about 7 to 10 minutes. I had an idea!!! I ran to the bathroom and grabbed the Cosmo I keep on the back of the toilet for poop-reading and grabbed two pens and two pieces of paper. Adam humored me and we did this Cosmo Couple's Quiz. It was funny and I got to steal a good chunk of Adam's manhood by begging him to take it with me and learn all about how big of a pimp he was in the 5th grade. (Cosmo was right, we DID learn something new about each other :) !!!)

I then began to fold laundry. Adam is entirely incapable of doing so ever. He will do eighty thousand loads of clothes and not fold a single item. Then he accidentally mixes up a few dirty clothes with clean clothes and freaks out and washes them all over again because now ALL of the clean ones are "dirty by association." So. To avoid this travesty- I started folding the mounds in the spare bedroom. House came on and it was wonderful. I sat in my Goucho's and old ripped up Pacific University hoodie and NAP slippers. He sat in his basketball shorts, tee, and a micro-suede comforter. During a commercial I put the clothes away and he dished us up a bowl of Frozen yogurt. One scoop of 3 different flavors.

And we ate. Hugh Laurie was insulting people and it was funny.

The evil old hag that calls herself our "Landlady" interrupted to have us sign a lease, check our oil, and yell at us. By "us" I mean Adam. Because I hid in the other room with my bowl of ice cream trying to blend in with the sofa. Adam even brought the papers to me to sign and listened to her bitch at him for ten minutes all on his own without complaining about it to me later.

We then made silly/creepy faces at each other during commercials. It made us laugh really hard for a long time. We snuggled. That is when Adam sweetly said to me, "You know... I hear a song on the radio today and it reminded me of you. Now every time I hear it, I'll think about you!" He had a big smile on his face. I got butterflies. I asked, "Really? What song?" and he said, "Its on Z100. It goes 'I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too'" and I sang "Either way I found out, I'm nothing without you." and he smiled bigger "Yup, that one!" "My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson." He smiled even bigger and kissed me on the forehead.

He has never ever, not even once in our relationship EVER... said a song or something reminded him of me. It was very special.

And I'm gonna say thats basically the best night ever.

week at a glance

It has been a fairly uneventful week for me. I feel like it sped by so quickly! I think its absolutely ridiculous that the older I get the fast time seems to fly. I've gone from thinking in days to weeks, to weeks to months, and now I'm parked in MONTHS to YEARS! Ack!

My camera's memory card is all effed up so I dont have any pictures to post. But I bought a new one this afternoon so hopefully I'll get some good ones this week! Colden and I spent a wonderful morning with Alexis and Sofia this week and it reminds me how much I really miss them. Sofia is now the age that Colden was when I first became his nanny. That blows my mind! Sofia was only a couple weeks old when I met her, and now Colden is almost 3! Next thing I know, my own children will be dating and I'll be all "what the hell?! did that just happen?! no, seriously... wtf?!" 

I'm still struggling with readjusting back into life after spending time with my family. Everything in the world seems significantly less stellar after being near them. It is just a reminder that I live my current daily life much differently than I thought I would and it hurts my heart to have certain aspects not-so-present. But all of the pieces of my puzzle will fall into their proper places in their due time.

Adam and I went to lunch at Red Robin today. BE JEALOUS. It was friggin delicious and you should feel bad that I went and you didnt. Because it was great. My stomach is still bloated like that of a few-days-dead-dog because I jammed packed it full of pure deliciousness. Your welcome for that imagery.

Hopefully I'll have a more intriguing, news-worthy blog in a few days! Right now I have to go verbally tongue lash my better half into downloaded my 360 patch for the old xbox version of The Sims 2 so I can play it. 

:)

daily dose of religion

Today I did something I havent done in a while-- I went to church! I dug my bible out of my nightstand and tagged along with Kendra to a "sub-church" of Jacksonville Chapel called "Emergence." I have, on occasion, googled or browsed through the yellowpages online looking for a laidback, modern, and more liberal church that I might consider poking my head into. Kendra was recommended to this place and told me about it and I decided I'd like to check it out.

It was a very emotional experience for me. I was relieved to find it to be just about everything I was hoping to find in a new home church, but I sat through most of it feeling very vulnerable, exposed and hypocritical. Its been about two years since I've attended a service and going today brought up a lot of things that I thought I had gotten over but obviously havent.

I believe that God cares about how we treat each other and the love we openly give to one another, and about what is true in our hearts. Gay/Straight. Republican/Democrat. Blue Collar/White Collar. Married/Divorced. Whatever. Its inconsequential. Yes, we should all strive to live a life of virtue and a decent moral standing is important- but who are we to define what each other's values should be? A church to me, is a gather of people who share the same purpose- to love one another and to support each other in our journies of becoming better people. It is a place, to me, where you should feel comfortable with opening your wounded heart and where you should feel safe.

However. In my experience I've seen more of the "church" kicking you when you are down and need your brothers/sisters in Christ the most. And boy oh boy does that sting. But Tiffany, you were a missionary for a year and half! BFD. Big fucking deal. In all honesty, being a missionary, looking back on those experiences, has only made me feel more disappointed, embarrassed, and bitter towards organized religion. 

It is a battle for me that I really was not expecting when I went to Emergence today. I loved everything about it. I want to go again. I plan on going again. But I am fearful. And rightfully so. I genuinely miss the pure joy of heart that I had at times when I lived in Mexico, free of many shackles and with an amazing relationship with God. When my parents seperated and we had to move back to the States, I saw the true colors of "christianity" and have been embarrassed to HAVE to label myself a "christian" since. I have taken to saying "I am spiritual, not religious." I miss the fellowship. 

I live in sin. BFD. Everybody does. I live with a man that I'm not married to. I swear. I have premarital sex. I highly HIGHLY doubt that any of that will change soon. And I dont want it to. I love my life and I love my relationship. I am very, very proud to be "liberal." I am a fag-hag and Jesus is OKAY with that. I want to go to church again. I want to have bible study with other young people my age and not have feel like I am putting on a mask because its "church" and there is a strict code of conduct. I didnt feel like I had to put on that mask at Emergence. But I trusted SFC, too. And I am scared of being hurt again.

I find it sad that I am more terrified of opening my heart to a church than I ever have been of trying to make a new friend or take a step in a relationship after being crossed/backstabbed/or stomped on by one.

But I guess part of believing in God is having a blind faith. And I hope, hope, hope that Emergence wont beat me the way I have been beaten before. I think I'm going to choose to have some blind faith with their staff and congregation. I hope to speak with their pastor soon. Maybe join a small group? Check out their website www.emergencenj.org

A jaded MK. LoL. I never would've pegged myself as one. But its pretty undeniable at this point.

Let me know what you think!

cant shake the sleepies

I have been sooo tired this week. I was ready to pass out at 7:30pm last night, but forced myself to stay up until 9pm and I was out the minute my head hit the pillow. Maybe its from emotional exhaustion. The week following a visit with my family is always hard. My mind wanders and fantasizes about life near them. I dont miss living in the same house as all of them- dont get me wrong, I love them but its best for your sanity if you take them in doses ;) Visiting them reminds me how much I miss simple things like family dinner, quick runs to walmart, and being totally sold out to mom and dad by your shit-head brother.

Me & Jeremiah

Me & Corey



Me & Christian

Its been emotionally exhausting for other various reasons. I'm pretty sure that about half the people I care about have verbally bitch slapped me this week. A "friend" of mine even "broke-up" with me, declaring that I party way too much and am ungenuine. Its so ridiculous its laughable. I have stepped foot in a bar ONCE since my 21st birthday and probaby complained most of the time to the chagrin of my fellow "party-goers." And I think I am an extremely genuine person, almost to a fault. I am me 100% of the time and at first glance it may come across abrassive or something... but when you've known me as long as this person has. I dont know. Its just ridiculous. They are significantly older than me but have dragged me back to drama of a high school variety.

But. To count my blessings. It never fails to make me smile, my eyes tear up sometimes, when I put Colden down for a nap and I sing him "You are my sunshine" and I end it with "You'll never know dear, how much I love you- please dont take my Colden away!" and give him a kiss he sings back to me "please dont take my TT away!" If no one else in the world gets me, at least Colden does :) No matter how frustrating a 2 1/2 year old boy can be, that moment every afternoon makes it beyond worth it.

I finished part of the baby blanket I am making for new-baby Tobias! I have completed all of the crocheting and am biding my time now to see if they're going to find out if it is a boy or a girl so I can appropriately choose the backing material, silk, and ribbon. In all honesty, it would've been cheaper for me to have just gone out and bought a blanket for them but as I've told Christine "You can't buy special" and its the love and heart and time that I put into that I will be passing on to their little one- not just a heap of fabric.

Adam and I are doing really, really well and he lights up my life. He called me this morning and said, "I called to tell you that I have super powers and am always right! I possess super-human smelling senses that surpass the ability of your inferior civilian nose. Remember that garbage smell I smelled last night and you told me I was a weirdo-beardo with a sensitive nose that lies? Well... I found the source. Raccoons knocked over our garbage cans in the backyard and ripped apart everything. Oh, its okay. I picked it all up, it was disgusting. But I just had to tell you that I am right and superior."

He absolutely cracks me up. There's been lots of laughing. I cant wait to see where our lives take us over the next few months. He makes me very happy. He makes it all worth it. He is my generic-brand Edward Cullen. Dang- I'm gonna have to get a good picture of what Adam looks like on a daily basis and do a side by side comparison of him and Robert Pattinson... you'll see!!!!

Lastly- I miss you, everybody!

my last night in omaha

I've had a fun few days with my family. It reminds me how much I miss so many things from my life pre-jersey. We have all eaten dinner together each night, followed by lots of laughs and board games. Balderdash, Catchphrase, Cranium, Scattergories. I LOVE BOARD GAMES!!! More so, I love having great people to have gather in one room and play them with.

None of my angelic brothers wanted to give up their beds, so I got to share my mom's cozy king size bed with her. Dont get me wrong, I love my mom, but she's not as cozy and relaxing and snuggly as the love of my life- Adam :)

Once again, I am a little nervous about flying home tomorrow. However, I am so excited to be back in the arms of my bunny that it is worth it. I think it is such a beautiful, special thing that I've never felt safer or more content than when he wraps his long lanky arms around me :) I'm so lucky to get to have that in my life. So few people get to truly experience it. Its intoxicating.

Anyway- I am off to IHOP for coffee with Corey. I'll update more soon!

thoughts

Colden is down for his afternoon nap. I'm just sitting at the computer absorbed in my own meandering thoughts.

Adam rearranged our entire house for probably the third or fourth time since the start of the new year. Our bedroom is now the big room again, the small bedroom is for our computers and miscellaneous and now we have two sofas and two coffee tables in our living room. *sigh* Our excess of furniture bugs the crap out of me.

I did basically a thousand loads of laundry this weekend. Every article of clothing, every set of sheets, and every single towel in our house is now clean and fairly organized. I give it until Sunday before its a complete disaster again.

Christine reminded me this morning that I need to start getting organized for my trip to Omaha. I haven't even contemplated packing or how to entertain myself during the trip. To be completely honest-- I'm terrified. There have been a shit ton of plane crashes in the area within the last few weeks and it scares me. It really, truly scares me. The last one that crashed in New York state took off from Newark Intn'l airport, which just happens to be the airport I'm departing from. I dont want to die. There is so many things left that I want to accomplish in my life. And what an absolutely horrific way to die! I've never been afraid of flying, but the anxiety is actually really getting to me. Please pray for my safety and sanity during these next few days. Brittan told me that flying is significantly safer than driving, so I am grasping onto that bit of hopeful information.

In other news...

A weightloss update: I had gained a couple of pounds over the holidays & stress-filled first weeks of the year. I waivered in the 195/96/97 range for a few weeks. But I am very happy to say that I weighed in this morning at 191.6! I unfortunately failed my first mini-goal of being 189 on Valentine's Day, but I feel like that goal is now very attainable. As a matter of fact- I think that I can get there by next week! Since I've reached "Onederland" as we 200+ fatties have been known to call it, my long term goals seem much, much more attainable!

For example- Adam watched my Harvey dvd a while back and commented on how fantastic I looked :) Well, I was about 180 my senior year of high school. Thats only ten pounds away!!! So easy! Also... I have some photos of me when I lived in Mexico that I absolutely love. I'm just in jeans, a hoodie, and tennies but I recalling feel so great and confident about my body. And I was about 160-165ish.

The lowest number I've seen on a scale in my teenage/adult life was when I was fifteen, before I moved back up to the states I weighed in at 157. The highest I've seen was probably the autumn/winter of 2007 when I reached about 225-230. Lucky for me, I have some great role models I can look up to remind me that it is possible! My cousin Michelle and my aunt Debi both look amazing and I am so proud of them for all of their hardwork (and insanely jealous and wish I could be handed their results without having to work for it!). Also- last summer my daddy lost a lot of weight and I was so happy for him, and for my family. I've never seen him looking so healthy and it really helped ease worries that I have about him. I want him to be around to lovingly insult his grandchildren and his greatgrandchildren.

Seeing my own family take initiative in getting healthy means so much to me. Our genetics and lifestyle habits have really worked against us and it is so motivating to see us slowly but surely getting healthy. Not just for ourselves-- but for our family. That is what is about now.

I already have long-standing knee problems. My blood pressure is good- not great/not terrible. Well, I want it to be fantastic. And 191.6 pounds is still a lot for my poor fragile knees to pack around each day! I do not want diabetes. I do not want arthritis or carpal tunnel or have to use a cane or a wheelchair long before my time. And I want my brothers and cousins and partner and future children to know that I love them so much that I am going to take better care of myself so I can be around to love them and support them and bug the crap out of them for a very, very long time.

Thin does not equal healthy. I have no desire to be thin. I love my curves! Granted, at the moment many of my curves are in the wrong places! BUT- I look forward to watching them shift into their proper spots. I eat well and sleep well and it gives me more energy. And with the weather beginning to warm that energy will be put to good use as I spend my days trying to keep up with a 2 year old boy!

I implore you all to take a look at your lifestyle habits. Every little thing counts! Is there something that you can be doing better for yourself? I dont want to be on my death bed some day from congestive heart failure knowing that I could've had another day, week, month, year with my loved ones if I would've just done a little something more for myself.

Hi! My name is Tiffany and I am amazing!

Recently, I've been working on a new book currently titled "Dating Myself." I have noticed that many of my friends, near and far, are starting to hit their Quarter Life Crisis and I too often hear things from them that make me very sad. A long time ago, I decided that it wasn't okay for me to not know what I truly wanted. There were so many things that scared me and I refused to spend a better part of my life being afraid of my own shadow. 

I love epiphanies. 

It is a fact that life is a variable. Things happen that we dont like. Thats not going to change- so why fight it? So- I embraced it. I could've looked at it with the defeatest attitude of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" but why join in on something I dont like? So I chose to look at it as "how can I make this work for me?" And in trying to figure out how to make life work for me- I opened the pandora's box that is my own heart and soul. How was I supposed to find contentment in life, in love, in anything if I wasn't content with myself? If you dont like yourself, you sure as hell arent going to like anything that you say or do. What do I want? What can't I live without? What scares me and how do I find I way to cope with that fear? And why focus on the negative and things I cannot change?

My name is Tiffany. 

I love that I'm 5'8" not freakishly tall, not a shorty, but quite comfortable!

I wear bright colors and it doesn't come off as obnoxious because it just seems to fit who I am too perfectly.

My eyes are so beautiful. Just really, really beautiful.

I am fiercely loyal and that makes me a better friend.

I am okay with the fact that I talk alot- its because I have a lot to say. If you listen closely, you might just catch a diamond in the rough of our conversations :)

I am photogenic- I rarely take a terrible picture. 

I am deeply empathetic. I think that emotion is a God given gift that many people do not have, so I feel incredibly blessed to be so open minded and accepting.

I am intelligent, creative, and talented. A jack of all trades, a master of none but still- it gives me options and I never feel like I'm trapped in a box of only being good at one thing.

I am beautiful. No matter what color my hair is, how much or how little make-up I am wearing, no matter how much weight I lose or gain- I know that I may not always be happy with my body but I am a gorgeous woman and I will never have a reason to hate the way I look.

I am Tiffany. I am a very jealous person. I am impulsive. I am not very good at adjusting the volume of my voice- it seems to be stuck at loud. I am incredibly impatient. My DNA has cursed me with fugly legs, no ass, a spare tire, no chin, and the ability to acquire stretch marks inhumanly fast for no reason at all (maybe I just sneezed too hard, who knows). 

Look at those lists. The not so great things about me is much shorter than the wonderful things about me. The sucky things are really no big deal. I can work at being more patient and less jealous. The things I dislike about my body are easily offset by the great things (I choose to highlight my nice rack and beautiful eyes and camoflauge my knees and belly... now my flaws are no longer noticeable --- TADA! FIXED!) 

Look. NO WOMAN can buy something off the rack and it fit just perfectly, so dont think you're the only person that has to try on 100 pairs of jeans before finding a pair that is satisfactory after a few alterations. There is no such thing as a perfect bra, a perfect high heel, a perfect denim, a perfect blouse, or a perfect person. Get over it!

I encourage everyone to make two lists, one of all the great things about you and one of all the things you dont like about you. At first- the negative may outweigh the positives. But why would you want to live that way? If you cant stand those things about yourself- why should you expect other people to love them? Start fixing those negatives until they become a positive!

Spend some time getting to know yourself. You'll be surprised how cool you really are! And trust me, before you know it- you'll be able to rattle off a list of all the great things about you without thinking about it. Because I know that I can think of a million things I like about you-- so you should think about the million things that you like about you too!  

Never A Dull Moment!

Can I just say... I freaking love K-Chap and CoCo. <3>

During Colden's nap,I get a phone call from Kendra saying "I need to highlight my hair RIGHT NOW! I'm going to CVS, I'll be over there in fifteen minutes!" Okay. No prob. I've dyed lots of peoples hair. She shows up with a box that has that cap and the hook thing that you pull the hair through.... and we just couldn't resist ourselves.

During this photoshoot Keith (who decided to work from home today) decided to come downstairs. He was in the kitchen and we were in the living room. He was on a conference call. We just couldn't help ourselves! K-chap and I were going to coyly ambush him with our crazy by merely poking our heads around the corner, in full helmeted garb,  and staring at him wide eyed until he noticed us and freaked out. So we executed our plan.... but somehow, during our planning, Keith silently ninja'd out of the kitchen and we poked our crazy heads into nothingness. So... we tiptoed around the corner, hoping he had moved to the hall. But alas! He was not there! Defeated, we agreed he must've gone upstairs back up to the office. We sat back on the living room couch, discussing possibilities for jimmy-rigging my camera to film us with our silent/quirky ambush on him upstairs. Admist said plotting.... a wide-eyed Keith pokes his head around the corner scaring the bejesus out of us. Kendra and I basically lost it. Hysterical giggling insued. Keith had turned the tables on us. *sigh* He just stared at us and said "What.... what are you doing? Are you dying her hair? Oh my god." And he laughed at us and walked away.

No. You cannot have back the three minutes of your life that it took you to read this story.

Enjoy.