Home Is Where The Heart BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

So. I know my blogging has been quiet and left much to be desired lately. There has been a reason for that. There has been a lot on my mind and I was asked not to share a big part of it. But... since I was given clearance to talk about it- now I can. And now I have the energy to sit and write a blog about what my heart has been fighting about the last couple of weeks.

I just found out that I am going to be an auntie!!! Brittan and Maria are expecting their first baby! My mommy is gonna be a Nana at 42! That blows my mind. It is the first grandbaby, the first Greatgrandbaby and I think its safe to say- everyone is pretty excited! When Britty called to tell me I jumped up and down and squealed and laughed and was thrilled for about an hour or two. Then my own words kinda fell on me like a ton of bricks...

I had joked to Brittan on the phone "Oh man! I get to be that crazy aunt that comes around and stirs things up on the holidays!" (You know the token one in every family movie?- yeah that one!) I thought it was funny when I said it. But then the meaning behind it caught up with me. I stepped back and looked at the situation at a whole. For the first time I think I really saw just how MONUMENTAL a baby is, how a new life completely COMPLETELY changes the ENTIRE dynamic of a family. And now... of MY family.

My aunt Kim bought me my first "real" bra. I remember it. I was the tomboy that only wore sports bras. We went shopping at Fashion Bug and I saw this bra that had clear straps, was bright purple with this sheen squares on them that made the cups look like big purple disco balls. There was only one left and it was a 34D and I wanted it. I was 13. I told Kimi I had to try it on, I didnt care if I had to stuff it, it had to be mine. I tried it on in the dressing room and at 13- that d-cup was a perfect fit. I was beautiful busting out of it. I told Kimi to come to my dressing room and showed her and she yelled "HOLY SHIT! WHERE'D THOSE THINGS COME FROM?!" Underneath my sports bras- I never new that I had actually grown some boobs! lol :) She paraded me around the Motel that day, showing my cousin & her friends that look "Sissy had grown her boobs!" I was embarrassed and proud at the same time! 

My aunt Jackie would do my hair and gossip with me about boys. For some reason- hairdressers seem to be able to get you to spill your guts about any and everything just by sitting you down in their chairs. My aunt Debi was always so charismatic and pretty and popular and I've always looked up to her.  I've always been able to go to my aunts when I needed some time away from my house, when I needed to spill my guts or needed advice, and they'd lovingly give the advice and help prep me to tell my parents something I was afraid to. They were always... PRESENT.

And therein lies my problem.

I do not EVER EVER EVER want to be that crazy aunt that lives out in New York that is all weird and stuff and comes around on holidays. I want to be that crazy aunt that is all weird and stuff that lives around the corner and is there for sleepovers, shopping trips, soccer games, buys you the most obnoxious toys and makes you keep them at your house, hypes you up on sugar and drops you off on your front porch before mom comes out and whines at me about it, and to help you convince your dad that YES- you should date that cute kid that sits behind you in math.

Brittan changed a lot when he joined the military. He changed a lot when he became a husband. And those are going to be NOTHING compared to the change he is about to make becoming a father. I havent got to see much of him over the last couple of years and it makes me sad that each time I have gotten to see him, he's a new person that he wasn't the last time I saw him. I have to re-learn big parts of him each time I meet him. Do you know how bad that kills me? I know what day and TIME each of my brothers were born. I can tell you pointless facts about each of them. I know them all inside and out. At least... I used to.

I have been so far removed from my family for the last three years. Christian is taller than me now. Jeremiah had really short hair when I visited him one time. The next time he had really long hair. I hate myself for missing so much of THEIR lives.... and now I'm going to be missing one of the most important moments in my family's history? Fuck that. Now I REALLY hate myself.

I cant just pick up and move. Its not that easy. Adam and I have completely melded our lives into one out here in the shithole of the universe and I cant just undo that. I dont want to undo that. But Adam's very promising career is here and only here, for the moment. But before we could even think about moving to Omaha, we'd have to decide where our relationship is going. If we're not going to get married, whats the point in moving and him becoming a true, irreplacable member of my family? 

It's just opened up a pandora's box of clusterfucked emotions for me. GUILT. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of boat loads of guilt. I feel like I have failed my brothers in not being present in their lives. I feel like I fail Adam by feeling guilty about sharing my life with him here removed from my family. Its a really horrible, pain-numbing double edged sword. 

No matter how wackadoodle I am, no matter how much Brittan and I piss each other off- I hope, and dare I say truly believe in my heart that he would want me to be an active member in his children's lives. They say that a man never REALLY knows compassion until he is a father... and I want to be there to see my brother's face when he experiences that for the first time. I cant be. At best- I'll see the baby when he/she is a couple weeks old at Christmas.  After that... not for a few more months. And I'll hate myself and feel guilty for it every second in between. 

I feel stuck. So so so so stuck. Its overwhelming. I dont think my family understands why I feel I have to stay here for a while longer. I dont think Adam understands why I feel like I cant stay here any longer. 

ROCK/*me*/HARDPLACE

it really sucks

This is supposed to be a time of joy. And selfishly... all I can do is think about how I am unwillingly willing to miss out on such a beautiful, joyous time in our lives.