Home Is Where The Heart BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

So. I know my blogging has been quiet and left much to be desired lately. There has been a reason for that. There has been a lot on my mind and I was asked not to share a big part of it. But... since I was given clearance to talk about it- now I can. And now I have the energy to sit and write a blog about what my heart has been fighting about the last couple of weeks.

I just found out that I am going to be an auntie!!! Brittan and Maria are expecting their first baby! My mommy is gonna be a Nana at 42! That blows my mind. It is the first grandbaby, the first Greatgrandbaby and I think its safe to say- everyone is pretty excited! When Britty called to tell me I jumped up and down and squealed and laughed and was thrilled for about an hour or two. Then my own words kinda fell on me like a ton of bricks...

I had joked to Brittan on the phone "Oh man! I get to be that crazy aunt that comes around and stirs things up on the holidays!" (You know the token one in every family movie?- yeah that one!) I thought it was funny when I said it. But then the meaning behind it caught up with me. I stepped back and looked at the situation at a whole. For the first time I think I really saw just how MONUMENTAL a baby is, how a new life completely COMPLETELY changes the ENTIRE dynamic of a family. And now... of MY family.

My aunt Kim bought me my first "real" bra. I remember it. I was the tomboy that only wore sports bras. We went shopping at Fashion Bug and I saw this bra that had clear straps, was bright purple with this sheen squares on them that made the cups look like big purple disco balls. There was only one left and it was a 34D and I wanted it. I was 13. I told Kimi I had to try it on, I didnt care if I had to stuff it, it had to be mine. I tried it on in the dressing room and at 13- that d-cup was a perfect fit. I was beautiful busting out of it. I told Kimi to come to my dressing room and showed her and she yelled "HOLY SHIT! WHERE'D THOSE THINGS COME FROM?!" Underneath my sports bras- I never new that I had actually grown some boobs! lol :) She paraded me around the Motel that day, showing my cousin & her friends that look "Sissy had grown her boobs!" I was embarrassed and proud at the same time! 

My aunt Jackie would do my hair and gossip with me about boys. For some reason- hairdressers seem to be able to get you to spill your guts about any and everything just by sitting you down in their chairs. My aunt Debi was always so charismatic and pretty and popular and I've always looked up to her.  I've always been able to go to my aunts when I needed some time away from my house, when I needed to spill my guts or needed advice, and they'd lovingly give the advice and help prep me to tell my parents something I was afraid to. They were always... PRESENT.

And therein lies my problem.

I do not EVER EVER EVER want to be that crazy aunt that lives out in New York that is all weird and stuff and comes around on holidays. I want to be that crazy aunt that is all weird and stuff that lives around the corner and is there for sleepovers, shopping trips, soccer games, buys you the most obnoxious toys and makes you keep them at your house, hypes you up on sugar and drops you off on your front porch before mom comes out and whines at me about it, and to help you convince your dad that YES- you should date that cute kid that sits behind you in math.

Brittan changed a lot when he joined the military. He changed a lot when he became a husband. And those are going to be NOTHING compared to the change he is about to make becoming a father. I havent got to see much of him over the last couple of years and it makes me sad that each time I have gotten to see him, he's a new person that he wasn't the last time I saw him. I have to re-learn big parts of him each time I meet him. Do you know how bad that kills me? I know what day and TIME each of my brothers were born. I can tell you pointless facts about each of them. I know them all inside and out. At least... I used to.

I have been so far removed from my family for the last three years. Christian is taller than me now. Jeremiah had really short hair when I visited him one time. The next time he had really long hair. I hate myself for missing so much of THEIR lives.... and now I'm going to be missing one of the most important moments in my family's history? Fuck that. Now I REALLY hate myself.

I cant just pick up and move. Its not that easy. Adam and I have completely melded our lives into one out here in the shithole of the universe and I cant just undo that. I dont want to undo that. But Adam's very promising career is here and only here, for the moment. But before we could even think about moving to Omaha, we'd have to decide where our relationship is going. If we're not going to get married, whats the point in moving and him becoming a true, irreplacable member of my family? 

It's just opened up a pandora's box of clusterfucked emotions for me. GUILT. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of boat loads of guilt. I feel like I have failed my brothers in not being present in their lives. I feel like I fail Adam by feeling guilty about sharing my life with him here removed from my family. Its a really horrible, pain-numbing double edged sword. 

No matter how wackadoodle I am, no matter how much Brittan and I piss each other off- I hope, and dare I say truly believe in my heart that he would want me to be an active member in his children's lives. They say that a man never REALLY knows compassion until he is a father... and I want to be there to see my brother's face when he experiences that for the first time. I cant be. At best- I'll see the baby when he/she is a couple weeks old at Christmas.  After that... not for a few more months. And I'll hate myself and feel guilty for it every second in between. 

I feel stuck. So so so so stuck. Its overwhelming. I dont think my family understands why I feel I have to stay here for a while longer. I dont think Adam understands why I feel like I cant stay here any longer. 

ROCK/*me*/HARDPLACE

it really sucks

This is supposed to be a time of joy. And selfishly... all I can do is think about how I am unwillingly willing to miss out on such a beautiful, joyous time in our lives.

EasteR

Happy Easter everybody!!! Hope yours was filled with fun and laughter and goodies and smiles! Mine was alright. Pretty good. The image uploader on this blogger really sucks, so I have to give you my blog backwards! :)

This evening, my friend Wendy and I ran all around town trying to find something to do. Apparently iHop is the only place on the planet open on Easter. So we sat there and just hung out for a few hours. I thoroughly enjoyed it. We thought we'd take a picture to commemorate our love for French Toast.

me & wendy!

I decided I'd like to look half decent for the holiday. Most ladies get pretty little pastel dresses and cardigans and blahblahblah. But I wanted to feel pretty, not just try to fake it. So... instead I purchased me an "Easter Blouse" since my legs are too disformed and nasty to allow me to look half decent in a dress. This is about as fancy as I get, but I felt very nice in it. And, frankly, my cleavage was phenomenal.

My Easter Blouse!

Adam's mother was very sweet and paid for us to have an Easter brunch (with bottomless champagne & mimosas!) since she couldn't grace us with her presence. She is a holiday junky and goes ALL OUT for every single one of them. Anyway. The place she chose is called Portobello and its in Oakland. It is sooo beautiful. It is very rustic, Italian and the atmosphere was great. It would be perfect for a wedding reception or a small, intimate wedding I think. (I'll have to keep that in mind!) :)  I dont know if it was because the time of our reservation was toward the end or what, but the food was 50/50. It was either really great or really terrible. Their raw bar was AMAZING! Their seafood was sooo delicious. I wanted to grab the entire thing off the bar and just take it to my table. Their cheese selection was great. They had lamb, ham, steak and roast beef that they carved for you and it was juicy and tender and perfect. Their Foccia was the best I have ever EVER tasted. I begged Adam to let me steal some in a napkin and shove it in my purse to have later tonight! LoL. I didnt though :( However- their italian meats were extremely dry. Their desserts were also very stale and lacking in variety. They were also out of fresh fruit. The little that I did get to try was VERY good. Fresh. Not at all mushy or anything. I didnt have any of the pastas, but Adam said they were delicious- and if he says so than they definitely are because he is a very picky italian pasta connoisseur! Other than getting lost on the way there (Adam was driving, obviously) and getting carsick because it causing me to initiate a petty little bicker fest until we were successfully parked and I made myself apologize for his inability to maneuver a parking lot... it was a very wonderful morning :)

Portobello

Hannah Montana and Broken Roads

So, tonight Kendra and I confessed our love for Hannah Montana and decided to go see it together. Yes. On opening day. There were slutty 13 year old girls texting behind Kendra texting and kicking her seat. There were two five year olds fighting and crying and whining behind me. A jaded single father in front of us. And two suburbia couples with their perfect children duking it out because one of the mothers wouldn't put her cell phone away. God I hate New Jersey. But I loved the movie!!! 

Kendra and I before the show!!!

A great thing about the movie was that it had a lot of Tennessee native musicians in it. Including Rascal Flatts jammin with grannies to "Backwards"... but most touchingly, singing at night on a front porch swing with only an acoustic guitar "Bless The Broken Road." I hadn't heard that song in so long. We listened to it on the way home on Kendra's iPod. I'm glad I heard it tonight. For the first time I was really able to appreciate the lyrics. I hope you do to.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home

Into my lover's arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

its been about nine days...(ETA: you either really DO or DO NOT want to read this)

... and I havent gotten a chance to blog! My brother messaged me wondering if I was still alive. Alas. Indeed. I am still well and thriving. Hmmm, maybe not so much the "well" part. But I have all of my parts intact and am still kickin.

A few things on my mind today:

Allison Iraheta is the shit. I love her. Her voice is amazing and I've actually bought most of her songs off of iTunes. Okay. By "most" I mean two. "Alone" and "I Cant Make You Love Me."

I usually blog when Colden is napping and all is still and quiet in the world and I get antsy and its a total mindf**k and since I dont have anyone to dish to other than Sundance (who, sadly, has been acting/feeling very odd lately and it concerns me, and lets face it- Cassidy basically just hates me and tolerates me because I refill his water bowl everyday) and poor Sundance can only take it for so long that I have resorted to blogging. Then I direct the masses - via Big Brother & Satan (aka Facebook & Myspace)- to read said blog. Then no one leaves me comments so I think that no one is reading any of this, THUS..... resulting in really awful, pointless run-on paragraphs of nonsensical ranting (ie, see above). Long story short-- Keith has been working from home for the past week or two and he occupies the office during napping hours. Oh. And every time I type "Keith" I always type "Keither" and have to go back and delete the "er" ... dont ask me why. I have no clue.

In other news. I have been kinda sick the last few days. I used my first "official" sick day on Tuesday. My stomach feels like its on fire one minute, the next it feels like someone is seriously punishing my brain with an incurable headache, then I try to settle them both by munching on solid food, taking aleve, and sipping gatorade. Then my headache settles into a monotonous dull roar that is horrible in a completely different way, the shakies stope, but I can hear my belly sloshing with every move I make and then fear that the burp that is caught in my throat is actually arm wrestling with vomit.... its just very complex.

Which brings me to... Adam and I came to the realization that despite the fact we've been together 2 1/2 years, neither of us have seen the other one vomit. Ever. I mean, he has seen my dry heave like a thousand million times (which everyone knows I do when I get really upset or cry too hard). But thats it. We've never been "flu sick" with each other. Weird. Isn't that something you should really know about someone before you marry them? I mean... when my dad barfs the walls shake. But then some of my brothers are "blubblubblub-speeeeeewwww" and its entirely uneventful.

I think its fascinating. Vomitting styles say a lot about a person. Hmmm. I think Christine and I actually had this conversation before. LoL. OMIGAWD! I think we totally did. I love Christine :) Anyway. Same goes with pooping. They should have one of those myspace quiz things about what your vomitting and/or pooping style say about you.

I'm sorry if you actually read this blog.

just because

Amidst the emotional roller coaster that is trying to organize your life and your future despite everything you DONT know outweighing everything you DO know... I catch a glimmer of the beautiful gem stuck in the mud (translation= my life!). Not that my life is muddy and terrible, I'm quite content, its just very stagnant. And if you know me... you know that I HATE HATE HATE stagnacity. But I need consistency. Ack! I'm such a complicated person!!! Anyway... last night, in a very quite way, my life reminded me why I love it so much. It reminded me that no matter how tired I am, how irritating he gets, or how stagnant it seems- it is worth every second.

Adam and I sat on our sofa last night. I made dinner and we sat in front of the TV eating and watching South Park. It was an episode where Oprah's vagina & butthole call Heraldo Rivera. It took us about two minutes to lose our appetite. But what worse, the only thing on TV was College Basketball and reruns of 24 (ahhhh! the nightmare of it all!!!!). So we turned it off and finished dinner quickly.

"House" doesnt start for another 45 minutes... what're we going to do?! EASY! We play old-school street fighter on the xbox360 until he's beaten me and I'm whining.... that took about 7 to 10 minutes. I had an idea!!! I ran to the bathroom and grabbed the Cosmo I keep on the back of the toilet for poop-reading and grabbed two pens and two pieces of paper. Adam humored me and we did this Cosmo Couple's Quiz. It was funny and I got to steal a good chunk of Adam's manhood by begging him to take it with me and learn all about how big of a pimp he was in the 5th grade. (Cosmo was right, we DID learn something new about each other :) !!!)

I then began to fold laundry. Adam is entirely incapable of doing so ever. He will do eighty thousand loads of clothes and not fold a single item. Then he accidentally mixes up a few dirty clothes with clean clothes and freaks out and washes them all over again because now ALL of the clean ones are "dirty by association." So. To avoid this travesty- I started folding the mounds in the spare bedroom. House came on and it was wonderful. I sat in my Goucho's and old ripped up Pacific University hoodie and NAP slippers. He sat in his basketball shorts, tee, and a micro-suede comforter. During a commercial I put the clothes away and he dished us up a bowl of Frozen yogurt. One scoop of 3 different flavors.

And we ate. Hugh Laurie was insulting people and it was funny.

The evil old hag that calls herself our "Landlady" interrupted to have us sign a lease, check our oil, and yell at us. By "us" I mean Adam. Because I hid in the other room with my bowl of ice cream trying to blend in with the sofa. Adam even brought the papers to me to sign and listened to her bitch at him for ten minutes all on his own without complaining about it to me later.

We then made silly/creepy faces at each other during commercials. It made us laugh really hard for a long time. We snuggled. That is when Adam sweetly said to me, "You know... I hear a song on the radio today and it reminded me of you. Now every time I hear it, I'll think about you!" He had a big smile on his face. I got butterflies. I asked, "Really? What song?" and he said, "Its on Z100. It goes 'I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too'" and I sang "Either way I found out, I'm nothing without you." and he smiled bigger "Yup, that one!" "My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson." He smiled even bigger and kissed me on the forehead.

He has never ever, not even once in our relationship EVER... said a song or something reminded him of me. It was very special.

And I'm gonna say thats basically the best night ever.

week at a glance

It has been a fairly uneventful week for me. I feel like it sped by so quickly! I think its absolutely ridiculous that the older I get the fast time seems to fly. I've gone from thinking in days to weeks, to weeks to months, and now I'm parked in MONTHS to YEARS! Ack!

My camera's memory card is all effed up so I dont have any pictures to post. But I bought a new one this afternoon so hopefully I'll get some good ones this week! Colden and I spent a wonderful morning with Alexis and Sofia this week and it reminds me how much I really miss them. Sofia is now the age that Colden was when I first became his nanny. That blows my mind! Sofia was only a couple weeks old when I met her, and now Colden is almost 3! Next thing I know, my own children will be dating and I'll be all "what the hell?! did that just happen?! no, seriously... wtf?!" 

I'm still struggling with readjusting back into life after spending time with my family. Everything in the world seems significantly less stellar after being near them. It is just a reminder that I live my current daily life much differently than I thought I would and it hurts my heart to have certain aspects not-so-present. But all of the pieces of my puzzle will fall into their proper places in their due time.

Adam and I went to lunch at Red Robin today. BE JEALOUS. It was friggin delicious and you should feel bad that I went and you didnt. Because it was great. My stomach is still bloated like that of a few-days-dead-dog because I jammed packed it full of pure deliciousness. Your welcome for that imagery.

Hopefully I'll have a more intriguing, news-worthy blog in a few days! Right now I have to go verbally tongue lash my better half into downloaded my 360 patch for the old xbox version of The Sims 2 so I can play it. 

:)

daily dose of religion

Today I did something I havent done in a while-- I went to church! I dug my bible out of my nightstand and tagged along with Kendra to a "sub-church" of Jacksonville Chapel called "Emergence." I have, on occasion, googled or browsed through the yellowpages online looking for a laidback, modern, and more liberal church that I might consider poking my head into. Kendra was recommended to this place and told me about it and I decided I'd like to check it out.

It was a very emotional experience for me. I was relieved to find it to be just about everything I was hoping to find in a new home church, but I sat through most of it feeling very vulnerable, exposed and hypocritical. Its been about two years since I've attended a service and going today brought up a lot of things that I thought I had gotten over but obviously havent.

I believe that God cares about how we treat each other and the love we openly give to one another, and about what is true in our hearts. Gay/Straight. Republican/Democrat. Blue Collar/White Collar. Married/Divorced. Whatever. Its inconsequential. Yes, we should all strive to live a life of virtue and a decent moral standing is important- but who are we to define what each other's values should be? A church to me, is a gather of people who share the same purpose- to love one another and to support each other in our journies of becoming better people. It is a place, to me, where you should feel comfortable with opening your wounded heart and where you should feel safe.

However. In my experience I've seen more of the "church" kicking you when you are down and need your brothers/sisters in Christ the most. And boy oh boy does that sting. But Tiffany, you were a missionary for a year and half! BFD. Big fucking deal. In all honesty, being a missionary, looking back on those experiences, has only made me feel more disappointed, embarrassed, and bitter towards organized religion. 

It is a battle for me that I really was not expecting when I went to Emergence today. I loved everything about it. I want to go again. I plan on going again. But I am fearful. And rightfully so. I genuinely miss the pure joy of heart that I had at times when I lived in Mexico, free of many shackles and with an amazing relationship with God. When my parents seperated and we had to move back to the States, I saw the true colors of "christianity" and have been embarrassed to HAVE to label myself a "christian" since. I have taken to saying "I am spiritual, not religious." I miss the fellowship. 

I live in sin. BFD. Everybody does. I live with a man that I'm not married to. I swear. I have premarital sex. I highly HIGHLY doubt that any of that will change soon. And I dont want it to. I love my life and I love my relationship. I am very, very proud to be "liberal." I am a fag-hag and Jesus is OKAY with that. I want to go to church again. I want to have bible study with other young people my age and not have feel like I am putting on a mask because its "church" and there is a strict code of conduct. I didnt feel like I had to put on that mask at Emergence. But I trusted SFC, too. And I am scared of being hurt again.

I find it sad that I am more terrified of opening my heart to a church than I ever have been of trying to make a new friend or take a step in a relationship after being crossed/backstabbed/or stomped on by one.

But I guess part of believing in God is having a blind faith. And I hope, hope, hope that Emergence wont beat me the way I have been beaten before. I think I'm going to choose to have some blind faith with their staff and congregation. I hope to speak with their pastor soon. Maybe join a small group? Check out their website www.emergencenj.org

A jaded MK. LoL. I never would've pegged myself as one. But its pretty undeniable at this point.

Let me know what you think!